Know Ya Flow
Women in flow, share what they know. Hear women's stories of how they've grown, what they know, and how they are living in flow.
Know Ya Flow
Learning to Love Your Body Even When You Don't Reclaiming Safety in Your Body w/ Rachel Hills
Rachel is a peaceful body coach and trauma informed breath work facilitator, helping mid life moms in mid size bods finally feel at peace in their bodies through nervous system regulation and mindset magic 🪄
Rachel shares her story of growing up in the church in a time where purity culture was at the forefront. Her father was a pastor and she was in a household with many siblings. She grew up with messages that she couldn't trust her body and that her virginity was the most important thing she could have and give to another person.
After getting married at 20 and having children, she was faced with the aftermath of that messaging. She realized she was filled with anger and frustration as she hadn't dealt with past traumas and she wasn't living in her fullest truth.
She says in this episode that she was living her life as though she was “hovering over her body” not actually in her body. 😦 She struggled with body dysmorphia, constant crazy dieting, and a complete lack of self love and compassion.
Rachel now is on the other side of this with a mission to help other women feel more at home in their bodies.
Follow Rachel on instagram @rachelhillsheart
Join her wait list for the program she talked about on this podcast here https://rachelhillsheart.myflodesk.com/21days
Welcome to Know your Flow podcast, where women in flow share what they know. I'm your host, lauren Barton. Join me as we talk to women and hear their stories on what they know, how they've grown and living in flow. Today we're here with Rachel. Hi, rachel. Hi it's so good to be chatting. So yeah, Rachel and I met in Costa Rica on a retreat, which I thought was great.
Speaker 2:It feels like that was forever ago. It really does. Yeah, it was pivotal, it was a pivotal time.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, it was really cool. So, yeah, I want to have Rachel on because I know that she has a lot of fun experiences to share Well, fun, hard, sad, deep all the experiences to share. And I know that she can share openly, honestly, and there's a lot of nuggets there. And I know that she can share openly, honestly, and there's a lot of nuggets there. And I know that you're really into breath work and into body image. What would you call that body positivity if you will, yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Peace, like acceptance, peaceful body, just really being at peace with your body, like whatever shape and size you are.
Speaker 1:Exactly, and you're also a hairstylist too.
Speaker 2:I am. How long have you been a hairstylist? 22 years.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I know my shoulders are still on my body, so that's great. Yeah, I can't believe it, but they're still there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so did you do that right after high school?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I did a year and a half of college. So I did a year of private Christian college where I fell asleep in pretty much every class, and then I did a half a year at like a community college and then ended up I was doing like my grandma's hair, my brother's hair, my little sister's hair in the kitchen and my mom was like, why are you not doing hair, Like you should be doing hair. And so my dad, he was like I'm going to go look it up right now, Like he overheard our conversation. And then he was like I scheduled you an appointment to go look at this beauty college or whatever. And I was like, oh, okay, I guess I'll go look at this. And then I went and my dad was like, if you sign up, I will pay for it right now.
Speaker 2:But I was engaged at the time and he was like once you get married, I'm not paying for it. And so I was like all right, it cost me $600 for my entire beauty school, including the kit. Yeah, I mean, this is back in the day, so it was like a tiny little beauty school. But yeah, so I was 19. And so when I started, I was like the day. So it was like a tiny little beauty school, but yeah, so I was 19. And so when I started I was like the youngest. I was so young, I was a baby when I started.
Speaker 1:Yeah, crazy. What was your? What was your? Just a little side tangent. What has your beauty industry experience been? Cause that's always funny because I feel like a lot of like when you first started doing hair, at least when I did, but I guess I started it was 2012,. Probably already been in it for what 10 years?
Speaker 2:Yep yeah, it was like 2001. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's when the industry started like shifting with like Instagram and fun behind the chair, awards and like all this stuff, and it was so easy to get wrapped up in all of that and I feel like I'm on the other side of just like no, this is just like a job that I love and I make my own rules and it's all fun. So, yeah, I'm wondering how your experience was, because it's kind of a funny ride normally. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:It's crazy, because there was no Instagram when I first started. I just got a cell phone when I first started. That's why I got a cell phone was because I was assisting and I was taking over for someone who was going on maternity leave and she was like you need a way for my clients to get ahold of you and I was like I guess I should get a cell phone so I can call and confirm people.
Speaker 2:I literally was in that era of just getting a cell phone. There was no, you weren't marketing online. That was not a thing. I had a pamphlet, a threefold pamphlet that I printed out, that I would hand to people with like a picture of me with crazy early two thousands hair.
Speaker 2:I mean it was a whole, it was a vibe, it was a whole situation. But yeah, I now tell people cause, like someone asked me the other day, like what's your favorite thing about doing hair? And I said, honestly, it has nothing to do with hair. I said hair is a gateway drug for me to connect with people. Like I absolutely love connecting with people, that is my favorite part. Like I love beautiful hair and I do beautiful hair. That's not why I do hair, that's a side. You know. I'm like oh yeah, you look great too and we also get to talk the whole time. It's like catching up with old friends. You know going to coffee, but you get your hair done instead, you know.
Speaker 1:So yeah, and it is a really good gig. So do you work for yourself or do you work in? Okay, have you always. When did you make the switch from commission to like being independent or having your own salon?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I first started and I was assisting for my mom's hairstylist when she went on maternity leave. That was crazy. That was like such a great opportunity to get into a really high end salon really fast and I learned fast, like she. You know, beauty school kind of teaches you how to pass the test, but they don't really teach you a lot of formulation and all the like, how to even freaking highlight. We didn't even use foils to highlight when I was in beauty school. I had to ask them if I could because I had heard about it and my mom had gotten it done on her hair and so I was. Can I try foiling? Cause they did it through a cap when I was in beauty school. I sound like I went to beauty school in the dark ages, that's crazy, but I. So I did that and then I was working at that salon, but they because I had rented while she was on maternity leave. I went straight to rental afterward because I'd kept some of her clients and then I moved to a salon kind of like a year after that where I was on commission for like a year.
Speaker 2:I don't want to say it's weird to like pat yourself on the back because I'm working on not apologizing for just being good at something. But one of the things that I really pride myself on is I have clients that I have literally been doing since beauty school. Like I'm not joking, I have a few that have kept on and my retention of clients is crazy. So I build really fast because people walk around and they like ask people what, oh, who does your hair? And you built it. But I built it really fast. So I was about a year on commission and then I was like dude, I need to get off of this Like this is not, this isn't benefiting me.
Speaker 2:So really since three years then I've been on my own and been able to make my own schedule and and do that. So now, yeah, I work two days a week, full days, like, and like 10 to 12 hour days, and then by yourself or do you have an assistant? No, just by myself crank it out, but but yeah, so, and then I work every once in a while on a Saturday for people that are commuting from far away to come get their hair done.
Speaker 1:So yeah, yeah. So first off, I totally get how you've been able to have that retention, cause I feel like you're a very nice like down to earth, like I feel like your personality can jive with a lot of people, cause you're very welcoming and kind and you know down to earth. But how do you feel like you've been able to keep clients for that long with the amount of growth you've had as a person? Because I sometimes, if I change, then sometimes I don't know yeah. You find that at all.
Speaker 2:Yes. So it's been very interesting because I have like kind of two phases of my life I would like to say. So I have growing up and I was very much involved in the church and I was married to someone very, very young. I got married before I even I was 20, like a week after I turned 20. When I got married and, by kind of, the ending of that relationship was like the beginning of me actually going inward.
Speaker 2:Right, I had no idea what looking self-help I didn't even know what self-help was. Honestly, I had never gone to therapy. I'd never. I didn't understand any of those things.
Speaker 2:I look back now and I'm like, oh my gosh, I was talking so much shit all day long about my former husband and like all of these things to my clients and I oh, I hate to say it, I hate to say it Damn. It just feels really yucky. But I could hear the victimness, the right, like the victimhood that I just I was like this is happening to me and all these things, and I don't know. You know so I was that. And then all of a sudden this huge shift happens where I need to leave this. This isn't good, this isn't healthy, but like something's happening with me, like I need to address what's happening within me, because I'm 50% of this calculation, you know. So then I started going to therapy and I started working through things and I could hear myself. You can really hear where people are at by the way they talk, if you really listen, you can hear what people are saying, by the way they talk.
Speaker 2:If you really listen you can hear what people are saying and where they're at. And I could start hearing myself changing the way I was speaking about myself, about even about my former husband, in just approaching really owning what my crap was, you know, and owning I thought I had the most beautiful, perfect childhood. And then I went to therapy and I was like, oh my gosh, like there's all this stuff that I just kind of and it's not like I was like looking for something bad that happened to me, but it was, oh wait, like I have stuff I have not addressed. There's stuff here. There's actually a lot of stuff here and there's.
Speaker 2:I didn't realize it wasn't normal to just walk around irritated at all times. I literally lived in irritation all the time hair trigger of anything and I was fucking irritated and I would snap so quick and I was just on edge constantly and it was. I just was living in fight or flight for pretty much like my entire. I even didn't know what disassociation was. I had lived most of my life watching, observing myself doing things and I thought that that was completely normal. I thought it was just normal for people to be kind of feeling like they're hovering over their body while they're operating.
Speaker 1:Ooh, that's really interesting. Wow, I definitely have noticed people who I'm like, she's not. They're not in their body at all, like you can kind of tell, doing that and feeling that energy. But I've never thought about what that would feel like to not in your body, to be living outside of your body.
Speaker 2:No, I remember walking along with some friends maybe in my teens, and walking along with friends and being you guys like you're watching us from above, right, like I'm like seeing us walking right now, and they're like what? Like I'm here, but like I'm watching us walk, I'm not, it's like I'm above my head watching us and they're like huh, I that's how I could describe it, because I was I'm not actually physically present in my body, but it was the way to protect. I was so traumatized I mean yes, I mean to be honest like I had had a lot of trauma and I didn't realize that that was the way that your body keeps you safe. Being inside your body feels absolutely unsafe and so your body does the things it has to do to keep you safe and protected. And that's one of the things is, it doesn't feel safe to be in my body. So I'll be outside my body just observing everything.
Speaker 2:And I did not even realize that was a thing until I listened to a podcast as I was going through my like self-help era, right, and I listened to this woman and she was actually talking about intimacy and how she didn't know it was not normal to be observing from outside when you were being sexually intimate. I don't know if I had ever been in my body in a sexual intimacy experience, like I don't think I had ever been present during those times. So it was, I was like what? And then I like brought it to my therapist and I was like, okay, I don't know what this is, but heard this thing. And she was like, uh, yeah, that's a trauma response, that's how you, your body, keeps safe.
Speaker 2:And I was like, oh my God, I have literally been living like not in my body, so that's and that's what led me so much to breathwork too, and I feel like I'm tangenting all over the place here. But but yeah, that was the first time I really felt in my body was when I started doing breathwork. I literally was, oh my gosh, like I'm in my body right now. I can feel my body instead of observe my body.
Speaker 1:So yeah, absolutely yeah, that's really powerful. Do you feel like it's something that happened over time or do you feel like it was that you had always been that way? And there's anything that you feel like comfortable sharing as to why you feel like that happened, or elements that, or elements that came into play that created that in your life?
Speaker 2:I'm very open. I just want to disclaim, because it can be a sensitive topic to talk about. So if it doesn't feel like it's a safe space for you to be listening to that, just a heads up, that it might be some stuff. So when I was young, I grew up in a very conservative Christian home and I had lots of siblings and I ended up I got molested when I was I don't remember exactly, because that's another mechanism that your body does to protect you. I don't remember exactly how old I was, but it was around fifth-ish grade and I had been a really active kid. I was just very playful. I was always riding a bike or roller skating or doing all the things and within a three-year time period I had gained 100 pounds and that I remember.
Speaker 2:That's kind of where the disassociation started happening is it wasn't really safe for me to be in my body and it also didn't really feel very safe to be in my own home. So when I, I was outside all the time and it was when I felt safe, as like I could be outside, and actually I didn't even put those two and two together until more recently when I was. I love being outside. I eat food outside, I'm eating breakfast outside. If I'm home, I'm like outside more than I am inside and I realized, oh my gosh, I think there's a correlation between those two. Like I actually feel really safe outside. I think that our, our bodies are so fricking wise. They just do everything to protect you from all the things and and I think it was it was something that to me. I don't think that that happens without like it happening to somebody else. Do you know what I mean? Like yeah, in my circumstance, I there was also things happening to the person who did this yeah it was, but it was also.
Speaker 2:I kind of brushed it off to being, oh, it's like kids stuff.
Speaker 1:As you grew up. You feel like you kind of did like as you became a teenager and stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I absolutely it's very interesting and like I became very sexual very early or was very interested in sexual things. And I mean now I look back and I'm like, well, duh, like that's, that's kind of par for the course. You were introduced to something really young and then it's almost I wanted to claim something again that was mine and doing that helped me in that I didn't see it at the time because at the time, growing up super, super religious like I did, you were not allowed to masturbate. You were not like I cried every single time. Every single time I would pray, I would cry, I would just be like why can't I stop doing this? Why can't I? You know, it was like nobody I knew did stuff like that. Nobody shared anything with me around those things. So very shameful experience, like a very shameful time. And now I look back and with so much love for myself that I was reclaiming my own body for me and not having it be from this experience. That was not a healthy experience, you know. But that's when I think the disassociation came in and it just kind of moved with me. It just like came along with me as I kind of stayed in that place energetically.
Speaker 2:I guess you could say there's not a lot of memory that is there from past that time. There's moments right, like it's not, like I don't remember anything, but there are chunks of time missing from those pieces. And then it was really after I got divorced, after I had a really difficult pregnancy with my daughter, and then started realizing like I got some stuff, like there's stuff here, and then you know, you go into your first therapy appointment, or at least I went to my first therapy appointment thinking I was gonna talk to my therapist about my marriage, because I was like I'm not okay, something's wrong, like we're not connecting, there's all of this stuff, and I didn't talk about it at all. I talked about my pregnancy, I talked about my childhood. It was like it opened this floodgate of just. She looked at me and she's like you've never seen someone for any of this stuff, and I'm like no, it was really frowned upon. Like we were just supposed to pray about it. You know what I mean. Like you're supposed to pray it away. It was like you could talk to an elder at the church or you could talk to the. You know, my dad was a pastor, so it wasn't necessarily going to talk to him about these things, but it was no, you just need to pray more and work harder at it, be in the Bible more, all these things.
Speaker 2:It was very isolating because I thought I really was getting to a point where I was. I was really having, like my body oh my gosh, I was so sick. I was actually so sick Colonoscopies and endoscopies. I was like I couldn't eat normal food and I was like not putting these pieces together. I just thought like something was going on medically. And I realized now, when your body has been in fight or flight for most of your life, if you don't hear it from, it's like a gentle tapping, it starts kind of using a hammer and being hey, like pay attention to me, you're so stressed out your body is totally freaking out right now, so I hear you on all of that.
Speaker 1:How did you feel about the church when you were growing up? Did you like?
Speaker 2:it, I loved it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you liked going there. Why were you engaged young?
Speaker 2:I come from a long lineage of pastors, missionaries. So my mom's parents were missionaries in the Philippines and she was actually born in the Philippines. So they were missionaries. My dad, his parents, were always in the church and then they actually met in church in like a church band. It was very much during the Beatles era. And my mom she has a beautiful voice, my dad played guitar and sang, and so my mom got asked to be on this team and she wanted to share a mic with my dad because she thought it was cute.
Speaker 1:So my parents got married. Wait, pause, really quick. California right, yes, yeah, yeah. So what kind of like denomination?
Speaker 2:is this Not dendenominational, or Pentecostal, or it's actually called Christian Missionary Alliance, and so basically it's a basic Bible believing. I wouldn't say it's as extreme as Baptists, but it's. There's no like talking in tongues, that is like no, don't do that.
Speaker 2:So it's not like evangelical assemblies of God or anything like that. It was very just run of the mill, basic Bible believing Christian, like it would be kind of non-denominational but it's like, basically, where the funding goes, that becomes part of why the denomination is. But theirs was that they funded missionaries, so it was Christian Missionary Alliance, so they gave a portion of it to their missionaries instead of the missionaries having to come back and earn money to be able to go back. And that's where my parents met at a Christian Missionary Alliance church and I grew up in a Christian Missionary Alliance church. My dad was an associate pastor for a while and then became a senior pastor and then he was a senior pastor until just like a few years back and then now he's just associate pastor at a church in Colorado. But growing up I loved it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so do people like I live in Virginia, so it's like the South Christian vibe type of thing, you know. Yeah, is it more new agey Are there or not? Really, it's like this new agey, but like is it, I don't know. Is it the same type of vibe?
Speaker 2:no matter what you think, I think it's a little less from my understanding.
Speaker 1:I know we're both like whatever.
Speaker 2:So for us it was much more put on a good face. Don't show people what's actually going on. Do the most for Jesus. You know what I mean? And like give 110%, put people on a prayer list if you want to talk about them. Do you know what I mean? And like give 110%, put people on a prayer list If you want to talk about them. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1:Like yeah, so it is all kind of the same, really similar, similar, yeah, I think Southern Baptist also is a little bit more to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just from an outside it feels like it brings more politics in. Where is oh, that's true here brings it's a little bit more benign. Like it's a little bit more benign. Like it's a little bit more we'll just nuance more of the how we feel about things, but like don't straight up talk about abortion, it's a little less like a little undercover it's yeah, it's like under the radar, but like there's an, that undercurrent is like an expectation.
Speaker 2:This is is how you should do this Covert as opposed to overt. But yeah, I had a great time. You know how, like you just don't know, you grow up and you just think everybody's family is like your family, or what you've experienced is like what you've experienced, and so I just thought it was very normal. It was very normal to watch movies about revelation in the end times.
Speaker 2:I was eight years old when I first saw a movie where they chopped someone's head off because they were a Christian. It was very much fear-based Christianity If your friends don't say this prayer, they will go to hell. So, like you should probably convince your friends to go to church. It was very much like proactive get people to come because you want to see them again. Right, you want to know where they're going, you know. But it felt very normal. As a kid, I felt like I had kind of the run of the place too, because my dad was a pastor, so we were there every Sunday, every Wednesday, sometimes Fridays, sometimes Saturdays, like we were there constantly. So it was just kind of this is just like a second home.
Speaker 1:So then you got engaged. Did you get engaged because you wanted to bone? Yeah, 1000%, yes, you weren't allowed to do that.
Speaker 2:No, because that quote or that quote, that's funny. I just said quote the Bible verse. It's like better to get married than to burn with lust for one another. Right, that was it. I got engaged and I was like we need to get married than to burn with lust for one another. Right, that was it. I got engaged and I was like we need to get married, we need to make sure he. I got a purity ring from him. I even found it the other day. The note that he gave to me was this is a promise that you will keep yourself pure for me and for God and that I'll keep your heart safe, or something like that. And I was funny that it didn't say you kept pure, but it was like me having to keep pure, like for this. But I did. I was a virgin when I got married. We got married quick enough that it didn't happen beforehand.
Speaker 2:Exactly that in itself was so hard, because it was when you have held on to something, because, okay, growing up in the church, really, I have to articulate this too. This is the way that I perceive this. Some people can walk through this and it be a different perception. It just is so. This is my experience. But my experience was my worth was put in what I could give to somebody else. My whole worth was in my virginity and what I could actually give to somebody else as this gift, it became this huge deal.
Speaker 2:And so when all of a sudden, an afternoon goes by and you sign a piece of paper and all of a sudden, okay, you're allowed to now, I was like no, no, that seems too easy. That seemed like no. It was like I could not wrap my head around the fact that now it was okay, now yeah, but not only not just okay. It was. I was given books for our wedding shower. That was all about, basically, if you don't have sex with your husband, he will cheat on you. There was a book called like his needs, her needs, and it was every man's needs was have sex with them. You know, do these different things and if you don't, here's all the ways that they will leave you and abandon you Okay cool.
Speaker 2:So now not only do I need to have sex a lot, but I also have to be really good at it, and I've literally never done it. So it was horrifying. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I spent half of it in the fetal position in the bathroom because I was.
Speaker 2:I don't like this is crazy. Like it went from you're gripping onto this so tightly, you are making sure you're not doing these things because this is the ultimate and then in one night it was completely gone and I was who even am I? Now I don't have this thing that has been put so much emphasis on. It really took a toll and became really what ended up being an eating disorder and disordered orthorexia and all of these things. Because I was like what's the closest thing to your virginity? It's your body. Right, your body is the next closest thing to what you could. Not just that, but how you're presenting. How can I be the best version of myself for this other person? And so no wonder I always looked for outside validation, no wonder I was constantly trying to change my body to be more desirable, because I felt like that was the only thing that was worth anything the desirability of me and my body, and so I've had to untangle that for a really long time, and it's still sometimes gets me a little bit, you know.
Speaker 1:Because it's also funny, because how was he like 19, 18?.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he was turning 21 like right after, like I just turned 20. He was turning 21 like the next month.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you feel like you actually even really liked him that much for who he was. Or do you think that it was just I? This is coming of age. This is what we should do. I feel like I don't really know myself. You seem nice enough. You're a Christian guy. Let's get married.
Speaker 2:I honestly think that if I had lived with him for a year, it would have been done. Yeah, yeah, cause I think you are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you've given up your prize possession to this dumb dog. Basically, who doesn't know? You know what I mean, cause he's just like a dumb young man.
Speaker 1:He grew up in the same sort of thing that you did, and didn't know much and like all this stuff, and you're expecting all this stuff and he's just like huh Me, I'm like assuming is what's this stuff? And you're expecting all this stuff. And he's just like huh me, yeah, I'm like assuming is what's happening. And then you're probably not even like compatible and then I'm assuming you guys had kids and then now that together and your relationship is probably just OK.
Speaker 2:Oh, it was not just OK, it was not OK. Yeah, I will say the first year was fine, yeah, and after that I was like, oh no, but like I had been taught my whole life because that's another part of it is that you do not get divorced that is not a thing.
Speaker 2:yeah, it's forever. So if you're not doing it, well, you better just try harder. So I just tried really hard for a really long time and I remember I told my dad and I like did not share these things because I was, I was very prideful about things and I kept things really close to my chest. I came to my dad and it was, I was like I don't know if I can do this anymore and it was like a very vulnerable moment. I'm being so for real right now. I don't think that I can do this anymore. And he said you know what you got yourself into and you need to pray harder. And I was like noted, I just I guess I'm not trying hard enough and I'm I'm trying so hard, but I guess I can put in more. I can put in more. So that was five years before I got divorced, five years.
Speaker 2:So, I knew, I knew and it was. I don't know if you know about, like attachment theory, anxious attachment. So I have a pretty anxious attachment. Since I've been with my now husband, who's an angel on earth, I've gotten much more steady. I'm pretty like secure. I still have some times where, like my anxious attachment kind of riles up, but anxious attachment, they have a hard time leaving anything because they're so enmeshed, and so I think it honestly took me five years of gaining independence. Taking little things back, by the time we got divorced I was in charge of all the finances, I was in charge of all the kids' schedules, all of everything. I figured it all out because I think I had to do that in order to be able. Okay, this is complete. I have to make sure I'm set up for myself emotionally. I was able to kind of pull myself away and out, but it took me a really long time and it was. It was a hard one, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, though, like little by little figuring things out about yourself and it's kind of you would have been married to somebody because of how you like, it all went down, you know 1000, and I will say now, looking back, I for sure contributed to yeah to the demise.
Speaker 2:yeah, like again. This is where I can look back and be so tender about oh my gosh, he was just a boy, he was just, he was just trying best. He really struggled with anxiety and depression, like so bad, and I think part of that was because he had to be thrown into being a parent and a husband and he just wanted to, like, go tour and do music and I was you can't do those things Like we have to do. We have to do this, we have to do things that make us money and you know we're now together. I mean, I just wonder how much different his life would have been if I, if hadn't done those things or if I encouraged him in those ways of go live your dream, man. We don't need to do this. It's okay, you know and also finding out and sharing.
Speaker 2:He shared with me a few years back that he was diagnosed with autism. It was an interesting thing because he was. I just wanted to share this with you because I don't know if it will help you understand what was really happening. And I just was. You know, honestly, I take my 50% of it. Even with that, I definitely didn't make it better. I didn't make it better. I for sure contributed.
Speaker 2:So it was just two young people trying to make it work and I basically say that I had to call the time of death on the relationship. It was a different thing because I just thought, I just didn't think I was going to have to be the one to do it. You know what I mean. But sometimes you're like waiting for it to just end and I was just like I know we got to be done, we got to be done, like this isn't healthy, for I wanted and honestly it came down to, I didn't want my kids to see kids always look to their parents to see what love looks like. You know, and we didn't fight, we didn't scream, we were very quiet about how not well we were doing and I just our kids are going to look at this and they're going to think that this is what love is. I can't do it. I can't.
Speaker 2:I can't show them this because it's not true. And I'm, I feel like I'm drowning, I'm not well, I can't be not well. And it was to the point where he would come home. I would feel so exhausted and I just would go away, nap.
Speaker 2:And I missed chunks of my kids life Because the second he would walk in the door I would just feel like all the energy leave my body and I was like, oh my gosh, how much time have I missed? Like once he left, I looked at my kids and I was like, oh my gosh, how much time have I missed? Like once he left, I looked at my kids and I was like, oh my gosh, it feels like a veil has been lifted, like it feels like all of a sudden there's sunshine. You know how much time did I miss with them just because I was surviving this? And again, there was no abuse or anything, it was just, it was just not. We were two very unhealthy people trying to make it work and realizing that we could be so much more healthy without each other and for our kids, you know so yeah, why do you think you weren't afraid to go inward and do, quote, unquote the work?
Speaker 2:which is not saying you aren't but.
Speaker 2:I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't, I. I think sometimes some people are like, hey, like I can, you know, there's some stuff I should probably you know. Or you're around people who are, oh, I go to therapy and I'm like, oh, that's cool, for me it was. I had to be so miserable in my own life and so not well, that I came to the point where I was. There has to be another way. Like I have to be able to attend to these things. I have to, and honestly, the divorce really spurred me to that, because I was. This was awful. I would rather cut off my own arm than ever do this again. So how do I not do this again? I need to go address crap so that I am not bringing that into a next relationship. Like I need to address what's going on. You can kick that can down the road, but at some point you got to kick, you got to pick up the can. You know what I mean. Or you just kick it down to your children and then they have to deal with your shit and I'm like, nope, I'm going to deal with it. I'm picking up the can, we're going to therapy, we're going to read the books, we're listening to the podcast evaluating man.
Speaker 2:It was huge for me. I wanted it all. In human design. I'm a 1-4 generator and the ones love to deep dive. We love a hyper fixation, so it was my new hyper fixation was give me all of the things that I can learn about, because I never even heard of half of these things. I didn't know what victim mentality was. I didn't know any of this. There was no lingo around it. For me, it was like learning a new language and a new way of being at the same time. So there was some pivotal books and some therapies, and then breathwork ultimately was oh my gosh, that made everything just lightning speed. It was crazy because that's when I started really being present with myself and addressing my grief and addressing the past and all of that.
Speaker 1:How did your parents feel about you getting divorced?
Speaker 2:Oh, it was horrible.
Speaker 1:Also another question I have, too, is were you guys still going to church and living Christian life the whole time, and also, were all of your friends also Christian girlies too? Oh yeah, not only did you, were you like I don't want to be in this relationship, but there probably was an element of I don't want to be really in this way of being anymore 1000%.
Speaker 2:So you hit the nail on the head. So when I was going through my divorce and I just kept calling it something's going on with me, that's what I kept saying, like I need to get help, something's going on with me. I don't feel well, I feel disconnected. And we were actually both on a worship team, so we were singing and playing music every Sunday right at this church that we were at and I think that you liked each other side note for sure.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Guys were happy and cool.
Speaker 2:Yes, I will say. One of my friends once I was like something's going on on. She took me by the shoulders and she was like Rachel, you are vastly unhappy. And I looked at her and I was like I am.
Speaker 2:I was so disconnected and I was so thankful for her. Oh my god, it's like hard to see the label from inside the bottle, right, like it's hard to see those things sometimes. And she's like that's why I was so irritated, I was so unhappy, I was so unhappy but I wouldn't let myself admit it because I was just like no, you have to do these things, you have to stay married, you have to be the best Christian you have to no other way.
Speaker 1:There's no other way. Let yourself think that, which is why you were annoyed, because you were stuck. There's no freedom or way out.
Speaker 2:No. And one of my favorite quotes and it was actually it's by she does the boundary boss book, but one of her top 10 commandments of boundaries is you have a right to change your mind. And she goes on to say that when you don't think you have a right to change your mind, then every decision you make comes with the weight of a life sentence. And I think that that's how I felt in my marriage, that's how I felt in my faith, that's how I felt in how I had to be. I carried the weight of no, I'm in this, this is what I'm doing, and so I just white knuckled through a lot and I can, like I can, withstand a lot of shit, and so, yeah, so I was in the church and then when I started, I was in a women's bible study that I actually really enjoyed, because it was the first time I had heard another woman say you know, I love Jesus, but I'm fucking pissed at him right now. And I was like what?
Speaker 1:who are these?
Speaker 2:who are these women? I was like these are my people. Like this is so cool, someone being like dude, he can handle you being mad. It's cool, it was so funny. I was like this is different. This was a different space and I was sharing, like I was having a difficult time, that these things were happening. I was feeling this weird disconnection. I was thinking that he was cheating on me. Like there was so much going on at the time because, because we were so disconnected, it would make sense. It would make sense if he was cheating on me, because there's nothing there, there's no connection here.
Speaker 2:And so once the pastor got word that I was I'm done, he staged an intervention for me. Yeah, at the Bible study. But one of the ladies called me and was like look, this is what's happening, this is what I. He called me and he wanted to pop in to like talk to you. And she's like I'm giving you a heads up because I love you and I, I, I feel like this is really shitty what's going on. And I was like I appreciate you. There's no fucking way I'm talking to that man. And I was like I appreciate you, there's no fucking way I'm talking to that man and I was deuces, and so, yeah, he sent out an email to all of my friends and family and told them that if they actually loved me, that they would stop me from getting divorced, and that they would come over to my house and tell me that. So that was pretty much my last church experience. We're done, we're done with this.
Speaker 1:Yeah, were they on your side though, your friends and family. It was like 50-50.
Speaker 2:But I will say, when you go through something like that, when you go through divorce, when you go through anything, everyone is looking at it through the lens of their relationship. So it holds a mirror up to people that are having a hard time. Anybody who is having a difficulty in their own marriage was having such a difficulty with my divorce. They really could not accept it. And then my parents even though I had three brothers at the time who had all been through divorce, I think my parents kind of looked at me different because I had always been the one that did all the things right. Then I got divorced and they literally I got a note from my mom telling me that I was breaking my vow to God and to them and not to bring it like super, super dark, but it was.
Speaker 2:I've never, never, ever thought about ending my own life before, and that day I was. I understand how easy it could be. I'm ruining everything for everybody and I'm disappointing everybody and maybe it's just best. And I had that flash and I was like okay, nope, we got to get out of this space. Like this isn't about me, this is about them, this is about how they're perceiving these things, and so my parents had a very difficult time and then when I chose to move in with my now husband before we got married, that almost caused my mom had to choose. She had to choose whether she was going to stay in relationship with me because she felt like she was encouraging simple behavior by by being a part of my life if I was doing that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So it was big stuff, it was a lot. So, in answer to your question about the diving deep, it was kind of my lifeline, especially after kind of having to reorder in my brain what church was and kind of my faith and what I actually believed, because I didn't throw it all the way. I still feel like I have a relationship, my own relationship, with the spirit. I like to call it spirit now instead of God and, honestly, like I love Jesus. I think he's awesome, but he just hangs out with my spirit guides. You know what I mean. So he's like a part of the team. He's part of the team.
Speaker 2:My grandma shows up, she's, you know, watching over me. My grandma shows up, she's, you know, watching over me. But it's different, you know, and that my parents have. They don't have to know all that. They don't actually know all that like that. I believe all that because I think it'd be really hard for them to kind of just I'm not trying to change them, but I'm also just trying to live the way that I feel best.
Speaker 2:But deep diving into really addressing who I am and who I really want to be and what my values really are, was kind of that other side of that made me feel hope. That made me feel like I had a part to play in my life and that I can choose to do these things for myself or showing up for my partner and really like attending to my own wounds and, when they show up, being able to address that with him. You know, I think there was just a lot of like pushing down of my own needs in my past, in my relationship before, whereas now I get to share those experiences and those hurts and it feels very co-nourishing as opposed to codependent. If I wasn't okay then we weren't okay. Before in my past, if I didn't put a good face on or if I didn't show up fully, we weren't okay.
Speaker 2:And in my relationship now it's I get to not be okay and we're okay. I get to be the most fullest expression of myself and like the more I'm me, the better we are. Oh man, it's just, it's really night and day and just evaluating those things. There's like books that I absolutely feel like have changed my life in those perspectives and really just attending to my own inner child, to pieces of me that I just kind of locked away because I felt that they were shameful or not desirable and people didn't want to see that part of me. I just hid really hard. But that's the thing about when you hide those things is that they show up everywhere for you because they're longing to just be alchemized.
Speaker 1:It's so true, and in Christianity you're taught that you're broken and that you need God to make you whole again. You're operating out of a place of I suck, I'm, I need a thing in order to be good, whereas the truth is or the truth is, we know is that we're always whole and good. Just the way we are Reprogramming that and changing that narrative was probably really huge, because you were living your whole life out of an inauthentic, not connected space. You know.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely, and I think it is a deep remembering. It's not and again, that is 1000% what you just said Like we are not broken, like I truly believe we are not broken people. We experience things that are hard, you know, like there are things that can really shake us to our core, but remembering who we are and that we are worthy just as we are, that is something that has, I mean, I really was still trying to earn worth, no matter what, because in the past it was like, okay, I have to earn this love, this, this love is supposed to be unconditional, but it's. It feels conditional because it feels like, well, you have to abide all of these rules and you have to be this way or that way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was. That is an interesting thing about it to act like it's there and it's unconditional, but it was. I had to earn it though, so it really doesn't make sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, because, well, and that's why, on this other side, I'm like dude. Jesus hangs out with my spirit guides because he's all about love, like all of it Right, like I get to be this fullest. He made me who I am. I get to be this expression of this thing and it's people can believe that or not, whatever but yeah, it is. But it's feeling that that I don't have to be or look a certain way in order to be worthy. I just am inherently worthy. And it's going back to that, remembering that it was a huge shift.
Speaker 1:How do you feel like you started to really embody that message, as opposed to just hear it shift? How do you feel like you started to really embody that message as opposed to just hear it? And how do you feel like you were able to connect with that as opposed to cause? That's something people can say all the time You're already whole, you're great the way you are, you're worthy, you deserve whatever, and it kind of can go in one ear and out the other. If you're not, if you haven't embodied it or believe it, so what does?
Speaker 1:it look like to finally sort of feel that. And how did you do?
Speaker 2:that For me, going back, I had to work through an eating disorder and orthorexia, so it was like overexercising, so I put my body through a lot and it was all still in that space of just trying to be or feel worthy, like looking for that outside validation. I think when it started shifting was actually when I started realizing if I heard my daughters talk to themselves the way that I talked to myself, I would be absolutely devastated because they're perfect little beings, right, like I'm like looking at them and I'm like, oh my gosh, you're so perfect. Like I just want to like squeeze your face right. Like I'm tearing myself down constantly, constantly hyper-evaluating what tiny little minute changes in my body from the morning to the night. And okay, if my upper stomach, if it looks smaller today, I'm going to weigh myself, but if it doesn't, then I'm not and then I'm going to work out this many more hours. Because you know it was like this coin system I got to earn this, I got to pay this, this, like constant back and forth. I was still looking outside myself for the validation, for feeling worth, and I started working through body stuff as I came out of that and really realized like I can't maintain this Like I cannot keep. I was getting really sick actually. Just my teeth, oh my God, my teeth. I had eight cavities. I hadn't eaten sugar in a fucking year and I had eight cavities. I'm like, how the hell do I have cavities? Like I'm not even eating anything crazy, yeah. So my body was just deteriorating in front of my eyes. So all of a sudden I started re-nourishing and really following Jessie Jean. She was amazing and instrumental in my recovery from that. But in that I had to start really confronting the fact that my worth wasn't in my body anymore.
Speaker 2:And so it was this shift of how can I radically accept my body just for today. Really, it started with just one how do today? How do I just radically accept my body? Because, no matter what I do today, it's going to look like it is today. It doesn't matter if I eat nothing today, my body's going to look like this. If I eat all the things, my body's going to look like this. If I eat all the things, my body's going to look like this. If I exercise 20 hours, it's going to look like this. This is what my body is today. So how can I just radically accept it today and just nourish it and care for it today, without beating it up or being critical. And so I kind of started there. How do I do that today?
Speaker 2:I would wake up sometimes and I'd be like, okay, I don't really love the way I look today, I'm just going you for who you are today, because I can't really do anything about it. So what if? What if I treat you well, even though I'm not going to punish you anymore? And again, this has taken years. It took me years to walk through that and kind of start realizing some of it was mindset, some of it was body stuff, just feeling safe in my body. I didn't feel safe in my body, so of course I was looking outside myself because I still didn't feel safe in my own skin, right? So then I had to start working through feeling safe in my own body, no matter what size it was, and then addressing those negative thought patterns that we just can create and like loop on If we don't scratch that record. That record groove is deep.
Speaker 2:You hear that song and all of a sudden you're just like, oh, and it's so, so common with women, like groups of women, to gather together and just berate ourselves oh, my thighs, oh well, I oh look at my arm. No, I don't do that anymore. And when people talk like that, I'm like no, I actually just don't talk about my body in that way anymore. I shut it down. People know, if they start talking about stuff, I'm like yeah, I actually don't talk about diets anymore. I actually don't talk about my body in that way anymore. I just kind of I'm like'm like, yeah, that's not really something I do, but it really was creating that safety in my body through breathwork, through nervous system regulation and then addressing the mindset. But then also, just how do I accept myself today, like if that was something that you took away from this. How do you just accept yourself just today, like you don't have to love it today. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:You don't have to like look at your arms and be like okay, I love you, even though you don't, yeah, like it's not, like you don't have to, you don't need to love your cellulite, it's okay If you don't like it. The difference is still treating yourself well with those things right. Accepting your body is just. It's not even being complacent about it. It's not like, oh, fuck it, I'm just going to eat whatever I want then. It's not even that.
Speaker 2:No, how do I deeply care for this vehicle that is going to be with me for the rest of my life? I refuse, I refuse to spend one more fucking moment at war with my body. I refuse, I won't, I won't do it. That is a non-negotiable. I do not do that anymore. If it doesn't fall in line with me being good to myself, I'll have a moment and I'll be like, oh man, and I'll be like, okay, that's all right, rub my arms, rub my legs. I'm like, but just sending some love there today, okay, all right, let's get dressed and let's move on.
Speaker 2:It would take me out for days at a time, like really dwelling on. I would take before and after photos and I would try to look at all the super details of everything and, oh my gosh, it was so, so bad, but yeah, so it just really became a practice of acceptance every single day of how do I treat myself well, how do I move my body in ways that makes me feel joy. What are things that really make my body feel good? Because you could lie to yourself and be like ice cream feels good well, ice cream feels good until you're sitting on the toilet like 20 minutes later, and you know what I mean. Like that actually doesn't feel good in Cause you could lie to yourself and be like ice cream feels good Well, ice cream feels good until you're sitting on the toilet, like 20 minutes later, and you know what I mean. Like that actually doesn't feel good in my body.
Speaker 2:What are things that I'm doing that actually feel good, actually treat myself well, actually get good sleep? How am I actually nourishing myself? Well, instead of pretending that doing extreme diets or doing the most extreme workouts are actually supportive, I took all that out and I had to really recreate what that looked like. I had to stop working out for a very long time. I had to. I would go to the parking lot of the gym and just like totally freeze and be like I can't go in. I can't go in today, like I can't do it, cause if I'm not going to do two hours, what am I even doing? So unhealthy? So I had to really let it go.
Speaker 1:Well, that's cool, because that's probably why breathwork then was appealing to get you back into your body, because it was a way to do it without having to physically be movement. It had nothing to do with how it looked, and how you looked in your body, but in your body, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally yeah. So it was that connection back to myself and it really changed the game for me and that's why I wanted I didn't ever think I was going to facilitate it. I never thought about doing it as a thing. You know. It was just something that changed my life so drastically. So it was fast once I started, cause it created that safety in my body and that connection to my body that I had not felt before and really that, along with all of those other things, really just became a catalyst for helping other people feel that way too, you know so was it kind of you were reading all the books, you were talking through all the therapy, you were slowly but surely reclaiming little parts and then it was once you did the breath work with it, it was able to really move the energy and take you to the next step of your journey.
Speaker 2:Yes, because I was very good at intellectualizing all of my feelings. I was really good about being in my head. I could be in my head all day long, no problem. I could tell you why I was feeling those things and what was happening, and I would tell you that I was a very emotional person. But what I realize now is that I didn't know how to actually feel my feelings. I thought about how to feel my feelings. I just didn't actually feel them until I started doing breathwork and then I allowed myself to. I felt safe enough that I could process grief and I could process sadness and I could process betrayal and I could process all these things. Because I could not do that until I felt safe enough in my body to actually feel those feelings. You know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it makes so much sense, though my first question is do you feel like you feel hotter now than you did then?
Speaker 2:Oh, that is such a funny question. It's different. I'm going through. I'm going through, so I'm 43 and I had a hysterectomy two years ago and I've been put into medical menopause, so I am experiencing all the menopause symptoms, even though I kept my ovary. I only had one, that I kept it for hormones, and so it has been interesting seeing myself now, because I feel I look very different than I did even two years ago, and so that has been a new. Instead of it being more focused on my body, all of a sudden I'm like, oh my God, my face, why does my face look so different? And so I will say I don't know.
Speaker 2:just being perfectly honest, I don't feel hotter, but I definitely feel so much more at peace with it always being ever changing you know, so I don't dwell on it as much I can.
Speaker 2:I used to never go even to the grocery store with full face of makeup and all dressed up. You know, the other day I went to the mall and I was like, oh my God, I didn't look in the mirror before I left and my hair was. I mean, I had slept on it. It looked crazy and I like had to go in the bathroom and just like wet my hair down because I was like I look a mess. I don't, I didn't even look. It's just not as important.
Speaker 2:The priority of me being hot or me looking a certain way is kind of that's not my barometer for being good or being okay or being like peace with my body. It's just kind of. I know it's ever changing and that's okay. But like I also see so much beauty in others and therefore I also see beauty in myself too. When I see myself, I'm like, oh girl, you're doing the thing like for you. But then I see everybody else and I'm like, oh my gosh, why is everyone so beautiful? Everybody just has this beauty. It's like you see people so differently when you also are at peace with yourself because you're not in comparison with others when you're at that acceptance point within yourself so you could see someone that is absolutely beautiful and you're like get it. Girl, take that picture of yourself in front of that tree.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because you're not feeling like shit about yourself.
Speaker 2:So then you're able to be more compassionate and like loving to others, exactly Because you're not in that comparison of if she looks hotter than me, then something's wrong with me. It's like girl. I wish I took more pictures of myself.
Speaker 1:There's just not competition in it because it takes that weird need away that need for like being the prettiest in the room or being that it's cool, it's fine, so you're, but happier for sure and feeling healthier, which I feel like, then, is a sustainable glow or a more sustainable acceptance of sustainable glow or a more sustainable acceptance, for sure, and I will say my body has been through so much.
Speaker 2:I'm, I'm proud of her. She has, she's done so much, had so many surgeries, so many things, and I think that right now I'm still not in what I prefer for my body to be, and I think that's okay too, like it's okay to feel at peace and acceptance and also feel like you have a preference of what your body looks like and how you feel in your body.
Speaker 1:It's okay to be like, yeah, this isn't my favorite at the moment, not gonna obsess about this and hate myself and limit myself and I'm not going to let it ruin my life. And it's okay to have seasons where you're like, no, I really am going to eat healthier or cleaner or not have as much sugar or walk a little bit more or go to the gym. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, which is obviously not hurting, but it's the obsession and the hate. But I think when you're in that spiral, even the way that we're talking about it right now seems like so far off. You're just like.
Speaker 1:I wish that could happen for me, but my brain will not shut up, you know to have breath, work by your side or whatever it is to get you out of these thought patterns that are like ruining everything for you.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, it's so true because, okay, so like when you look at pictures of yourself from five years ago, you look back and you're like, damn, like you were looking good girl.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, you're like, yeah, you're like, ooh, damn, yeah.
Speaker 2:But like, if you think back to the time when you took that picture, how hypercritical were you with that picture at that time, I look back at pictures and I'm oh my gosh, oh, you're so cute. Look at you and you were freaked out about this and that and this and. But I remember taking those pictures and be like, oh, no, god to take another one, like that was a weird angle. Or if you can look back and think, oh, I looked so good, then in five years from now, are you going to look back at pictures of you now and be like, oh, why was I so hyper, fixated on my cellulite or whatever. You know what.
Speaker 2:I mean yeah, like if you in no matter what body size, if you've never been okay, if you've never felt good in your body or at peace with your body, the problem is not your body. It's never about your body. It's actually about how you think about your body.
Speaker 1:Yes. How do you deal with your clients that aren't in that place yet? Did that ever trigger you where you're like girl it's not about the hair or girl like stop. Every time I see you every seven weeks, I keep like hearing you say the same things and that ever hard for you. Or is that hard for you, or?
Speaker 2:It was hard. And now because so I have two different clientele. So I have my clientele for hair and then I have my clientele for coaching. So my coaching is body acceptance. Yeah, so I know that that's coming, but I also am. I now know I have so much empathy for being in that space, right, but again, I can. If they're in my chair I can be like why are you talking bad about yourself?
Speaker 2:Okay, imagine yourself as a little girl Do you say that yeah, if you had your daughter over here, would you tell her these things that you're saying about yourself? No, you wouldn't. Why are you being mean to yourself? Like this is my friend, like this is my friend. Don't be mean to my friend, my friend. You know what I mean. Stop being mean to you. That's. It's terrible, but in my coaching it's very much. No, tell me these things. Let me know what's coming up, because I want to know the narrative. Let's stop the narrative.
Speaker 2:How do we stop that? How do we create a space where you can wake up in the morning and not hyper fixate on what your body looks like? Or I had a client reach out to me recently who was I literally cannot believe how long I kept myself in purgatory because I thought that I just was too fat to experience life. I was punishing myself for being in a bigger body and she's in a very, very normal body. And so she was like I can't believe that. Now I actually like going shopping and I actually enjoy wearing shorts and it doesn't ruin a night for me. I can't believe that now I actually like going shopping and I actually enjoy wearing shorts and it doesn't ruin a night for me. I don't even worry about if someone has a camera out or if someone does these things, and I'm like that's the whole thing. How beautiful is it to go from a place where you you haven't worn a pair of shorts in 15 years because you're self-conscious of your legs, to like literally wearing a pair of shorts, going out to dinner, enjoying your dinner, being present, because when you're up in your head about your body, you're actually disassociated.
Speaker 2:Being in your brain about that is actually you're not present with what you're actually experiencing. You're present with what you think about your body and so it like takes you out of whatever experience you're in because you're so worried about what your body looks like. Right, so you're not enjoying dinner. You're thinking is someone looking at the way my thighs look as I'm sitting on this chair? Or, oh my gosh, I need to cover my arms because people are going to be staring at me.
Speaker 2:You're not thinking about what did my husband just say, this conversation that I'm having? Did we notice that when you're out to dinner, you like see, or you're hearing funny conversations or whatever? You're like, oh damn, like you're like sitting, like both of you are like really quiet conversation. You're not there because you're so hyper focused on what is happening and what how your body is presenting today, like you can't be present and have that rolling around, and so it gives you so much of your life back in your brain space. You can actually have crafts and activities that you like to do like hobbies, because you're. I'm not spending every moment fixating on this thing to try to fix something that's wrong with me, I'm just I get to actually think about other things now. That's wild. That's a wild time.
Speaker 1:Because the joy is always there, just like we're always whole, like the joy of being able to go shopping is available to you. Yes, joy of being able to be present. You know that presence is always available and your brain is stopping it. You have way more control over it than you think you do, but really you're. You're so hyper-focused on something you can't control, which is what the scale says or what your mind is telling you, and so it's really just shifting all of that. So that's what you work on with your clients.
Speaker 2:Yes, so that is what I do with coaching. I actually have a program that I'm kind of teasing right now. It's I guess I'll just tell you first because I haven't told anybody, but it's going to be like a 21 day peaceful body kind of program. So it's basically every day I'm going to give you a prompt or something to start attending to those things and really we're going to focus five days on nervous system regulation, five days on mindset, five days on the food portion, because that's, I mean, food and being at peace with your body is like interlinked.
Speaker 2:You have to create that healthy relationship with food in order to feel food is the thing that you literally have to consume every single day. You can be an alcoholic and never drink another drink of alcohol, but with food, like you literally have to eat food every single day to survive. So you have to be creating a healthy relationship with food as well, because otherwise that will be the new fixation, right. I'm kind of taking those elements that really moved the needle for me and creating that peaceful relationship with myself and tending to myself in those ways, and I'm just going to do like 21 days. It's going to be super reasonable.
Speaker 2:I think I'm going to make it like $21, so that it's like just something that you can do, but with breathwork involved, and it'll be like different prompts each day. But just kind of help people. If you can feel even just 10% more at peace with your body, or 10% accept your body a little bit more, that gains you that much more brain space. That gains you so much more presence with your family or with, like, enjoying yourself on a vacation because you're not like I have to cover up and I can't go in the ocean because someone's going to see my thighs, you know. So, yeah, I'm going to be doing that and I just love being able to create that space for people, because I think you don't realize how much of your life is wrapped up in that until you start kind of pulling away from it. And then you're you, you can go to any coffee shop Like I'll challenge everybody that's listening to this right now go to a coffee shop or out to dinner and just wait like five minutes and you will hear someone talk about their diet.
Speaker 2:It's a thing you cannot unhear it Once you hear it. I went to dinner the other night and this couple obviously it was a first or second date, they had not been together long and literally they just went through all of the food that they eat during the day and all of the supplements that they take. That was the whole conversation. I was like do you even have a personality without a diet? Cause, when I was in it, that was my whole personality, was my eating disorder.
Speaker 1:Do you think that, too? People use that as a way to not have to go through their shit Like for sure, Talking about the food you eat, the way you work out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You're not having to ever talk about your emotions or your the depth. And it sounds like with your story, too, there was some shit you needed to go through, but instead you were just like obsessing over your weight.
Speaker 2:Yes, Well and I think it was actually to be honest my eating disorder played a role, a helpful role for me at the time, because I couldn't deal with everything that was going on and it was a way for me to not focus on that thing. That was really much harder. So I actually don't even look at it, as obviously it's not something I would have anyone have to go through.
Speaker 2:It's not like I'll like advocate for this. It really was the thing that helped me move through a much more difficult time in this another area of my life. And so, yes, move through a much more difficult time in this another area of my life, and so, yes, so I think people do that and call it health, because we're all very health conscious. Quote-unquote. Right, we want to be healthy, everybody wants to be healthy, but it can look like we're we're hyper focused on the wrong thing and then you're not actually allowing yourself to feel because you're physical physical.
Speaker 1:Physical physical exactly physical.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, yeah, exactly, instead of actually diving in deeper. But again, it's all appearance and how you present and feeling desired and all of these things. Right, like it's all interwoven in there, but, you're right, like it keeps you surface instead of having to ask Well, how do you feel about this happening with your?
Speaker 1:mom, do you know what?
Speaker 2:I mean, oh crap. Well, I don't really want to talk about that, but I will talk about supplements all day long. Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1:So can people work with you one-on-one for body image stuff and also breath work too.
Speaker 2:Yes, so I do have availability. I haven't posted very much about my availability recently just because there's been so many things with kids going back to school, but, yeah, so I do one-on-one breath sessions with people over zoom. I also. If you're in Brooklyn, roseville, sacramento area of California, I also do. I just facilitated a workshop with a friend this weekend for couples that involved breathwork, which was really really cool. So I do some in-person events as well. Yeah, and then I'm going to be doing this I think it's going to be in September that, yeah, that 21 day kind of thing, cause I think it's just fun and I love the idea that it's very tangible and very right.
Speaker 2:Now.
Speaker 2:I just feel like groceries within themselves are just like ridiculously expensive and I think sometimes we put ourselves on the back burner the most, like we have to do these things, we have to buy these things, and so I think making it really accessible is kind of a fun thing to to be able to be.
Speaker 2:You don't need to spend $20,000 on a program to like make you feel more peace in your body. It actually just boils down to these few things, but practicing them like you have to, it's a practice. It's like if you've spent your whole life tearing yourself down. It's not going to 21 days is going to help you understand what you need to do, but it's not going to undo a lifetime of berating yourself. You have to practice it over and over and over again and so that. But that's where it's fun too, because the amount that can change in a really short amount of time is. It's actually amazing my clients. It was like probably about two weeks where they started seeing changes and noticing how they were talking to themselves different and like that's big it is.
Speaker 1:That's big Things we say about the way we word things, the way we say things, the perspective which we see things.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:So to think that and then being like, I can change that, that seems not true. Absolutely, absolutely, so that that's really good so it'll be in Virgo season, so in back to school. So people will be like oh yeah, I'm trying to get grounded.
Speaker 2:Exactly, exactly, so it'll. It'll be a good time, but well, thank you for this combo.
Speaker 1:We could chat.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:For sure. Yeah, I chat all day with you for sure. What is your Instagram so people could find you if they wanted to?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's Rachel Hills Heart, all one word. Rachel is R-A-C-H-E-L and Hills with an S like hills, like the mountains and the hills, so Rachel Hills Heart is where you can find me and where I'll be posting all the things. I don't really have anything else that I'm on. I don't do TikTok yet, so we're just on the gram right now. Yeah, awesome, thank you, rachel. Oh my gosh, thank you you.