Know Ya Flow
Women in flow, share what they know. Hear women's stories of how they've grown, what they know, and how they are living in flow.
Know Ya Flow
Love and Loss - Jeana's Story of Losing her Husband to a Brain Tumor
Today’s episode with Jeana is very important to me.
Jeana tells her story of her experience with losing her husband to an inoperable brain tumor at 25.
Jeana and I have been best friends for 10 years so this was really special to record and I’m happy it exists.
Jeana offers a heartfelt reflection on the end-of-life journey, the profound impact of losing Jeremy, and the complex path of rebuilding after such a loss. Hear about the emotional and practical challenges she faced, from dealing with survivor's guilt to the importance of therapy in her healing process. This episode is a deeply personal exploration of love, loss, and the strength found in the darkest of times. Join us for an intimate conversation that underscores the essence of being present, finding growth in adversity, and the invaluable life lessons learned through this transformative experience.
Welcome to Know your Flow podcast, where women in flow share what they know. I'm your host, Lauren Barton. Join me as we talk to women and hear their stories on what they know, how they've grown and living in flow. So I literally just asked are you ready to take a trip down memory lane? Yeah, I believe so. We're here with Gina, my bestie. Let's get into it. So when did you meet Jeremy? And yeah, what was the environment around that? What were you doing? How did you meet?
Speaker 2:Well, set the scene? Yeah, absolutely so. It was the summer of 2016. You know, the last good year we had, 2016.
Speaker 1:2016. So, yeah, I want to take a minute to think about 2016. That was eight years ago.
Speaker 2:I can't believe that. At this point, it's like when you start thinking about things like that, it's just like where's the time gone?
Speaker 1:It is so how old were you?
Speaker 2:I was 31 now, so I would have been 23.
Speaker 1:holy shit, I was young.
Speaker 2:Oh my god, that's where I wanted to take a minute, because let's remember like he was a little bit older.
Speaker 1:He's right, yes, absolutely yeah, so you were 23 and he was 37. If you think about that now as a 31 year old like then, you're like no, I'm mature.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, but that was like. The one great thing about him is we met in 2015,. Actually, he was a member of the country club that I was working at at the time and that was at Stonely in Round Hill, virginia, and I knew him for a little bit. Before he had asked me out. It was the summer of 2016,. Bringing that back, yeah.
Speaker 2:But I remember it was really interesting because it was one of those out of the blue things, because I never worked the bar on Friday nights. But I just happened to work that Friday night and he had come in with a friend of his.
Speaker 1:His name was Cord Now, may I pause for a moment. So what did you know about him before this? Like, how was he acting around, like before this happened, when you saw him interact with?
Speaker 2:people Like what do you think? If anything, he seemed nice. You know he didn't really frequent that often. He'd come in maybe every couple weeks and that was really all that I knew. He was very nice. You know, he hung out with the same group of people and cool, okay, cool, absolutely so. And that was cord was one of those people and he was there. It was just the two of them and cord had asked me.
Speaker 2:He had one of those like rough voices. He smokes cigarettes and stuff. He's like so, like what, what's going on with you? Like, what's your deal? And I'm like what do you mean? And he's like so, are you seeing someone? Blah, blah, blah. And this is like a 50 year old man. And I'm like no, I'm like freshly out of a relationship, I'm just kind of hanging out, blah, blah, blah, yeah, and it takes maybe about five minutes for Jeremy to be like so, do you want to go out tonight? And I was like okay, yeah, sure, and honestly, before we even went out, he was very forward with me. He's like I'm 37 and I actually didn't believe him. I made him show me his driver's license, like no way yeah, exactly, because how old do you think he was?
Speaker 1:probably like 32 yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:He was very fresh-faced, if you will, and he had two kids they were eight and ten at the time and that wasn't really something I was looking for. But I was like you know what, why not? He's nice enough, let me just go out for a date and see how it goes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Because you're like whatever, Like you're like whatever, I can hang out Pretty much yeah.
Speaker 2:Cool. So, like an hour or so later, he comes to pick me up and we go to Piccadilly's in Winchester and it's probably like, honestly, maybe like 11 o'clock at this point PM. Yes, and we were the only people in there, just the two of us. We were the only people there.
Speaker 1:On a Friday night.
Speaker 2:Yes, on a Friday night.
Speaker 1:It was only the two of you. Yes, I figured at least.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, super, super bizarre, but I think last call was just a little before midnight, if I'm not mistaken.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just a little before midnight, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, I mean you would think that there would be people like lingering around hanging out, whatever. It was bizarre.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely so you know, we get our drink and we leave and actually we just walked around. I was like we could go to Milano's and I'm like actually, no, you're like wait, it isn't like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't want to scare him that bad and we ended up just going back to my house and like sitting on my front porch and we talked until like three o'clock in the morning and he ended up kissing me and serious I'm if I'm lying, I'm dying. Fireworks went off, shut up. You know where I used to live in on front royal bike uh-huh fireworks were going off over by, like that milk plant, like you know what I'm talking about. Yep.
Speaker 1:I do, I do, I do, and it's like three o'clock in the morning at this point.
Speaker 2:Yes, I swear. I don't mean to sound stupid, but I believe you, I know when. I like I knew then fucking crazy, whoa, and yeah, I mean it literally just kind of went from there. I think I moved in with him the following summer and yeah, because what time of year?
Speaker 1:was it when you first met August, august, okay, yes well we had known each other prior right.
Speaker 2:We started seeing each other around them, yeah exactly and then probably like the following July or August. Honestly, I moved in and, yeah, everything was going really well, like now, and just did everything together. It was cool, it was fun.
Speaker 1:Cause, what all would you guys do?
Speaker 2:So the thing about Jeremy is he really liked to drink? And yeah, we need to do yeah, and we need to have a little backstory on.
Speaker 1:We need to go into you a little bit so that listeners know a little bit about you. To go into you a little bit so that listeners know a little bit about you. So how would you describe yourself?
Speaker 2:that's such a hard question because I I think I'm fun, but I'm very hesitant to open up to people yes, and you have how many cats I have four cats yeah.
Speaker 1:So yeah, kind of like a cat. Yeah, I'm very fun, but it might take me a minute at my discretion yeah, exactly when I want to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not really like the drinking type at all, you know, I like to indulge in other activities but yeah, no, exactly, I mean for the listeners, gina is the fucking chillest dude. Yeah, gina is chill, she is ready to hang out, ready to talk, doing her thing absolutely pretty much always down for an adventure, down for an adventure, very even keel, and that was pretty much exactly what we did. We just, you know, we would hang out and watch movies. Of course, you know the note flukes and chill that was big.
Speaker 1:Then though, oh my god, I mean, if it was 20, like it literally was like when it was beginning, when you guys were eating, and yeah, so, yeah. So he liked to drink.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we would go to this spot. I think it was actually called bunkers, if I'm not oh my gosh, it totally was called bunkers, yeah and it was like this weird bar, but they had like karaoke and line dancing and all kinds of was it?
Speaker 2:it was in leesburg bunkers, yeah I never went there probably for a good reason. So what type of people were in there? To give you an idea, it did have a smoking section, okay, and then in the non-smoking section you could still vape. So there was. There was that going on, so remember that so you guys would go to bunkers yes, okay, like how often? I don't want to say every weekend, probably every other.
Speaker 2:Okay, because we would have the kids with us every other weekend as well okay, gotcha we would do that and sorry, my watch is telling me to reflect on my day it does that yeah, we would go there probably every other weekend. They would do karaoke, like we would help judge the karaoke contest. Like stupid shit, like that so what would?
Speaker 1:yeah, because like what would happen when you would get there, like you would go to bunkers, and then what would happen?
Speaker 2:he would probably immediately get like a drink, like a beer or something, and I probably was just vaping at that point because he had actually helped me stop smoking cigarettes. I'd not, oh yeah, I forgot, you picked that up for real yeah, I had not smoked a cigarette since, I think, think 2017, if I'm not mistaken.
Speaker 1:How long were you smoking cigarettes for real? Not that long.
Speaker 2:No, I'd say I was smoking cigarettes when I worked at PacSun Ooh relic.
Speaker 1:Like and you had a pack on you. Yeah.
Speaker 2:How long? I'd say maybe at most four years.
Speaker 1:No way. Why do I not remember you smoking?
Speaker 2:I don't know. But yeah, that was the thing, especially when I worked in at stone leaf. Yeah, yeah, you had a pack and we're smoking cigarettes?
Speaker 1:yeah, wow, I don't. I wonder why I don't remember you.
Speaker 2:I always think of you as not smoking yeah, because I remember I would smoke cigarettes with like amory yeah another throwback yeah, shout out to amory.
Speaker 1:Wherever you are, I can picture you just the way you were 10 years ago and in my head you look exactly like that right now Exactly, and you always will.
Speaker 2:But yeah, aside from that, you know, the first Christmas that we were together it had only been like a couple months he was why don't you fly out to Colorado with me and meet my family? And I'm like that's crazy. But I ended up doing it anyway, and that was the first time that I ever went to Denver, which is where he grew up and easily, of course, fell in love with the place and especially that time period, denver, at that time that you know oh, it was so pretty because you know it was snowing and just you know yeah gorgeous.
Speaker 2:The mountains were all snow capped and everything and I yeah yeah, and it was, it was really nice meeting his family, like it went great. And yeah, they kind of were just like immediately, like oh, we love her.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you're like, of course, because I'm the best.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, that was pretty much just what we did for the longest time. I think it was maybe about the first two years we were together or something like that. That was kind of what our life looked like, which is like chilling.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know I keep saying chilling so much, but he was a Sagittarius also as well, so he liked to go out. Cause the reason I I asked like so what it looked like when you went to bunkers is why do you think that he wanted to go there? Did he like talking? Did he like meeting people, like meeting new people? Or did he have friends that always went there and he liked? Did he like people? So?
Speaker 2:he had friends that went there. Okay, and, um, since he was a frequent flyer, if you will, he knew the bartenders pretty well. Yeah, and that was that was pretty much the reason his community going there.
Speaker 1:Yes, it was like that was his community, like going there and hanging with the peeps and, as a 37 year old man, like you need something to do when you get off work, 37 year old divorce man, you know yeah, but it shows that did he so? Did he like people, though, like? Did he like socializing? So?
Speaker 2:when he would drink he would loosen up a little bit because he was a little it's a little quiet. You know a little I wouldn't say standoffish. You know he kind of would just be blending in, if you will. But you know, once he would loosen up a little bit, then he would chime in with some oh absolutely. And then of course, if he got like really loosened up, then he's like talking to everybody.
Speaker 2:So I'm like yeah, okay, reel it in, because I'm not that way yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, so you guys would do that.
Speaker 1:And then also, yeah, like Netflix and chill had the kids. How was it meeting the kids, seeing him as a dad, that whole element.
Speaker 2:That was a very interesting thing for me because, just to bring it back, I had never been a person that wanted to date somebody that had kids. It was just, it was honestly a rule of mine for a while.
Speaker 1:Well, especially at the age you were, because you were 23, dating, yes, now we're talking as 30-year olds. It's that role goes off the table. Well, I feel like, or is less realistic, but for you, like, that's like, would always have been that probably would always have been, I would even say at this point now.
Speaker 2:Now I'm a little bit more receptive to it, so to speak, but it's not really something that I'm seeking out actively, because kids are cool, but just not my thing yeah, no, you're definitely, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm more of a cat lady. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Like I've always again seen you as not that people can't change or whatever, but I've always seen you as a person. It's like no, I'm not having kids yeah, you know. But yeah, I had that opinion for a while, for sure, yeah, but at that age especially, you weren't running in, we weren't running into people that had kids, so like, oh, not really what I'm saying, but not really but it was good.
Speaker 2:It was a little bit more difficult getting through to my stepdaughter. My stepson immediately was like really happy to see me and be a part of a you know, our relationship. So he's always been such a sweetheart and I would say with my stepdaughter it probably took like a solid year, honestly, for us to really build a relationship and it was. It was something where I had to really like reflect on myself, because you can't have beef with like an eight year old. You know what I mean, because she was very standoffish and there was like a part of me that wanted to be well, if you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to talk to you.
Speaker 2:And then when I like really got to thinking about it, I'm like that's insane. She's literally a child. So I just sat down with her one day and was like hey, what are you doing? And it really just blossomed from there. So that's cool, yeah, and to this day we still have a great relationship. I just went to Natalie that's my stepdaughter. I just went to Natalie's play. She's a sophomore in high school Now. She's 16.
Speaker 1:Wow. And when you met her she was how old Eight.
Speaker 2:It's crazy, it really is you met her, she was how old eight. It's crazy, it really is. How did you feel about him being a dad? It was nice to see him be a dad because it was a different side of him than what I would see, obviously, without the children. It was a little bit more serious, but also still like kind of goofy and able to, you know, kind of pal around with the. And it was good whenever we would have them. You know, sometimes we'd take them up to country club to have dinner, you know, just play at the pool. We'd take them to Dave and Buster's. That was a, that was a hall at that time because that was before they had it in Fairfax.
Speaker 1:So where would you have to take them? I think?
Speaker 2:it was in Silver Springs, yeah, I know, almost DC, if I remember correctly. But yeah, yeah, that's what you know. The kids liked playing video games a lot at that age, so we would do that, and natalie was really big into art so you know we would do stuff with that and yeah, just really kind of bond I mean at that age you know that's much different than if they were like two and four.
Speaker 1:Think about that would have been a whole other experience. They were already established. They were like already some trained humans. That was kind of like sense.
Speaker 2:Exactly. That's why I think it kind of made the like situation All right. It's like okay, right, so they're already, you know so, true, little human people with minds able to do stuff. So yeah yeah, exactly so then.
Speaker 1:So what's going on so?
Speaker 2:I would say probably about 2018. Let's go ahead and set the scene there. Jeremy was working in dc. He had this tech job. He used to do qa engineering, so he was always clacking around on that computer, but anyway so do you know what he actually?
Speaker 1:could you tell us what he actually did? You think? Or is it really one of those things that you're just like, yeah, so he did that?
Speaker 2:From what I understood, he basically would run quality assurance on software programs before they would get piloted and pretty much just look for bugs in any software that's getting launched for a client that they're working for, for example. Cool, but aside from that, that's about as much I know yeah, that sounds yeah, and we were actually looking to move towards dc. We were looking at townhouses and stuff. We first looked in leesburg and we were looking towards Alexandria, arlington, things like that.
Speaker 1:Cause. Where were you guys living at this time? We were in Lovettsville. Lovettsville and like a house that he had already had.
Speaker 2:Yes, he had been living in that house for a couple years before I had moved in with him, and I'd say he lived there for about like five or six years, if I remember correctly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Okay, cool. So he was in Lovettsville'd say. He lived there for about like five or six years, if I remember correctly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay cool, so he was in lovinsville, then he had the job in dc, exactly, so he was taking the train. Yeah, he would go to, I believe, brunswick, maryland, if I'm not mistaken, and take the amtrak.
Speaker 1:I think is what it was how do we get to work?
Speaker 2:yeah, oh my gosh sometimes he would drive up to the metro stop. Remember when it used to be, I think it was like wheelie in like Reston or something, and now it's all the way up in like Ashburn. Yeah, yeah, but yeah, he would sometimes drive up to Reston and take the metro. Instead, it would depend on how late he was running for work. Yeah, or I should say how early he got up and was ready to leave for work. Or I should say how early he got up and was ready to leave for work. Otherwise, he would work from home sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would really say to get to the root of the discussion is he was working there and I'd say probably around September 2018 is when we had noticed something weird was kind of going on with Jeremy and I remember I was working at an urgent care at this time. I had already left the country club and I was working at patient first and I was getting ready to go to work. I want to say I had to be there at eight o'clock or something like that, and he was also up and getting ready for work and he had like sat up in bed and I was like getting ready to leave and leaned over and I had noticed his arm was doing this kind of weird like super twitching thing definitely involuntary and we both sat and watched it as it happened. And it happened for, I'm gonna say honestly, like a solid minute, and we both looked at each other after it and I wanted to go to the hospital then, but he's like no, I don't think it's anything that serious.
Speaker 1:You're like dude, your arm just moved. You didn't do anything to make it yeah exactly.
Speaker 2:And so, again, he didn't really think anything of it until it happened again and again, and again. Like how many times you think I I couldn't count the amount of times probably, it probably happened, for I would, no, I would say daily, at least once a day for sure and it got to a point where they would get very violent and I mean to where, like, he would really be jerking his arm around, and there, finally, was a point in time I was already probably about two to three weeks in of this happening. I'm like, please go to the doctor and you know how many of this happening.
Speaker 1:Two to three weeks, yes, oh my god, I know he in.
Speaker 2:It was one of the things where I didn't want to toe the line of being like the nagging girlfriend, but at the same time I was concerned and yeah, I feel like rightfully so, absolutely, and I remember, probably after a following two weeks. So we're at like four to five weeks.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, I know Wow, trust me.
Speaker 2:I'm hip. Yeah, he finally goes to the doctor and I'll never forget a lot of this stuff. That happened is like so he goes to the doctor and his doctor's like it sounds like maybe you have like a neck spasm, so I'm going to refer you over to like a neck and spine specialist. So about a week later we go to the neck and spine specialist and they also assume it's like maybe a pinched nerve or something in his neck. And she immediately is like okay, well, here's some muscle relaxers and here's some vicodin or something. And just immediately offering him these like crazy strong pills and he's like I don't want these. You know know what I mean. Like I'm not in pain, it doesn't hurt, but it's just it's scary.
Speaker 1:Well, that's weird that they didn't pick up on that. It's not in pain, it doesn't hurt, right? Is that what a spasm does? I guess a spasm doesn't hurt.
Speaker 2:I guess not. But what it ended up being, we found out later on, was a partial. After probably about two weeks of these happening, he would start to lose sensation in his arm and then, the more they would happen, the less sensation he would have and then I'd say probably by the end of October, early November, he couldn't feel his right arm like at all. That's insane. Like he could move it, you know what I mean, but it was just limb.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it would take everything in him to be able to focus and grab on to something. Wow, yeah, it was. It was not fun to watch, that's for sure. But again we go to the neck and spine specialist and they're like, okay, here's these pills, blah, blah, blah. Also we're gonna get you an and we go to the MRI. I believe it's like mid-November At this point we're also in the midst of getting a kitten, which is Fozzie, one of my current cats. He was my birthday present that year and what was I 25 at this point, freshly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 25.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly, and I remember we had some weird snow or ice or something. And the reason I remember that is we were going to this MRI and it was like the road getting there was terrible, it was super icy, super mushy from the snow. And we get about halfway there and he's like I forgot the order for the MRI. And when you get an mri you have to have that order form or else they're not going to do it, which is crazy. They should have that electronic.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's anyway besides the paper, they really don't. If you don't have the piece of paper, they will not let you.
Speaker 2:It's not like that's crazy now, this was a couple years ago. Maybe they have changed that, but at the time, but yes anyway.
Speaker 1:so yes and ridiculous.
Speaker 2:So we had to go back and we were super late for this MRI and I was like annoyed by the scenario. But you know, he, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter Anyway. So we get there.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I remember they're doing the MRI and the guy the technician, if you will who was doing it, he pops his head out or he pops his head, I don't. I just uh, like physically popped my head. Sorry about that, but yeah, he pops his head out of the room and he goes are you his wife? And I was like no, I'm just his girlfriend. And he's oh good, dress in here, yeah, anyway pretty much.
Speaker 2:He was kind of like oh, whatever he didn, he didn't show me anything, but he did say explicitly he needs to call his doctor tomorrow. And that's how I was like oh no, oh gosh, yeah, exactly. So this was, I believe, a Thursday, if I'm not mistaken. And the following day is when I'm driving to DC to pick up Fozzie, and that's when Jeremy gives me a phone call and he's like hey, my doctor just looked at my MRI and I have to go to Fair Oaks hospital because they want to do a biopsy, because they found something on my MRI. And I was like, okay, you know, I'm on the way to get the cat and he goes yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but once, once you get back, we've got to go like immediately to the hospital. I'm like, okay, so in the meantime he calls Katie, which is his ex-wife, and he's like hey, gina just got this kitten. I gotta go to the hospital. Can you guys watch it for a couple days. So thankfully, my stepchildren got to, you know play with my kitten and everything.
Speaker 2:They were so, so excited about it and they actually did at one point come visit Jeremy while he was there in the hospital. He was there for I think, three days it was Monday to Friday, if I'm not mistaken and they had taken a biopsy from his brain. He had had a mass on the left side of his parietal lobe in his brain and they took it for a biopsy and I'd say probably about seven to ten days later was when we found out what it was and I had remembered his ex-wife again katie.
Speaker 2:I don't know why I keep referring to her as well, it's for context, correct, yeah, so katie was talking about, you know, types of brain cancer and stuff like that and I remember her saying something specific and I couldn't remember exactly the name of it, but she said as long as it's not something blastoma, that was all I could remember. I couldn't remember the last part. But we get into this room and also at this point, his parents have come from colorado, because it's been, yeah, like 10 days, correct exactly and they're.
Speaker 2:You know, he had to call him at one point and was like hey, so this is what's been going on, blah, blah, blah. And they came out like almost immediately. Now we're all sitting in this room and a oncologist comes in and he basically is just already talking about life expectancies. He's like so yeah, if you don't take chemo, you're, you've got maybe about three to four months. Uh, best case scenario, you've got about like maybe 15 months if you do chemo and radiation. And we're all like huh, and the guy goes, guy goes. Oh, I'm sorry, did the nurse not tell you what the diagnosis was? And I'm thinking to myself why the fuck would a nurse tell us that? But anyway, so then he breaks it down and he goes. Jeremy has stage four glioblastoma, which is the most aggressive form of brain cancer that there is, and life expectancy, even with resection, if I'm not mistaken, is about five percent after five years, something like that. Beau Biden had died from glioblastoma. John McCain died from glioblastoma. You know, you could kind of go on and not just political people.
Speaker 2:Those are just the couple I can think off the top of my head. But so it was one of those things where, like as soon as we left, we were all like hysterical because we knew like it was bad and ultimately the choice was up to Jeremy. You know, like, do you want to take treatment? Do you not want to take treatment? Because, unfortunately, with his tumor where it was placed, if they tried to resect it took the chance of him losing all of his motor skills. So it wasn't something that they were willing to do.
Speaker 2:So, and of course you know, with me in mind and the kids and everything he chose to do chemo and radiation. Now, one thing that they did with the pathology of the biopsy was they were able to see basically the chemical makeup of it and I swear he told me it was MGMT positive and that may not be the right acronym, but basically his tumor genetic makeup was most responsive to chemo. So that was a very positive thing that we did find out. Yeah, so this was about the end of november at this point and his birthday is december 1st. So, yay, happy birthday, am I? But pretty much. He started chemo and radiation pretty quickly. He did about six weeks of radiation and it was very, very hard on his body. He had a hard time basically doing a lot of things. At that point he would just have massive migraines and you know, know, just be in pain and just be really tired at that point and actually, the day that he finished radiation was the day that we got married.
Speaker 2:Wow, yes, so I was a child bride at 26 I'm just kidding. But yeah, we got married. Uh, january, ooh, excuse me, january 18th of 2019. So we decided, just with everything in mind of what was gonna happen moving forward, that we might as well just go ahead and get married and enjoy being together while we could. And that is the one thing I do cherish the most, as much as it may sound morbid, it was knowing that we had at least some time to spend together. And I will say just to go ahead and preface, by the end, jeremy did pass away on November 24th of 2020. So he made it almost a full 24 months after diagnosis, which is incredible because, let's remember, they said 15 months, even with chemo and radiation, but with him being young and the type of tumor that he had, he had a lot of luck on his side. Now, we did so much in 2019. Now, we did so much in 2019. I remember we went to Colorado.
Speaker 1:We went to Because how, just to yeah, how was he feeling about it? Like, how was he so when he found out from in, like you know, initially and everything, like you know, the initial shock like wears off. What kinds of things are you guys talking about? Maybe are you guys talking about oh, we really want to go these places because we never did what's being brought up at that time, or is it? Yeah?
Speaker 2:yeah, um, I'll be so honest. It took me a very, very long time to actually gather the strength to google what glioblastoma was and all of the information around it, because I didn't want to know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like I was. I was so in denial at the beginning. Like, looking back on it now, I was very much in denial and it was really hard to accept. So he also was kind of the same way. But also he was, you know, not shy about saying, by the way, I got brain cancer and I'm gonna fucking die, like yeah yeah, he actually had a shirt that he was wearing for a while that said I ain't dead yet, motherfucker.
Speaker 2:so he he had a very good attitude about it, quite frankly. And yes, we had wanted to go to a couple places before you know he wasn't able to do so and some of the places where we went back to Colorado, we went to Las Vegas, we went to Arizona, and I believe that was all the traveling we did that year.
Speaker 2:We might have made it to Colorado one more time, but yeah, it was a really fun year of traveling in 2019. But yeah, it was a really fun year of traveling in 2019. I had, at some point, basically had to go on extended leave from work because he wasn't able to do things for himself and, quite frankly, I didn't want to leave him by himself. He could get around pretty well, but there were times that he wasn't able to because with the disease, the illness excuse me, it was starting to spread at some point where it was, you know, down his chest. He wasn't able to feel like the right side of his chest and then, of course, it did affect his leg as well as well. So he was able to get around, but there were some times where he would lose his footing or trip over his own foot because he didn't know it was there, stuff like that yeah, totally.
Speaker 1:So we'll get to that, because I do want to talk about how yeah, I mean, you were basically like everyone's lives changed in that moment. Oh yeah, like yours, his, his children, like it just has such a big ripple effect his parents, anyone who knew you guys, you know it's like a whole thing absolutely like a ripple effect. But you know. So when you say in denial, like that, you were both like in denial. How does that did that look? Like you guys were just like ignore, like not talking about it.
Speaker 2:I'd say it was a little bit of both not talking about it and being hopeful. Yeah, because, also in this time frame, I will say I give a lot of thanks to katie because she did a lot of the medical research on it and she knew some people that were able to talk to him about possibly getting into clinical trials that would basically be able to extend his life and shout out to Katie, exactly yeah, now there was a point where we were working with Duke University and we had gone down one time when he was still well enough and they were like, okay, right now you don't qualify for anything that we currently have because we're only looking at newly spread recurring tumors. Yeah, exactly, make that make sense yeah, so that ended up being that.
Speaker 2:And when I also say we were in denial, yeah, we just didn't really talk a lot about it and like he would tell people, just so that they knew. You know, like hey, by the way, I've got this going on, but he wasn't telling like strangers, yeah yeah, right but you know, he just wasn't, I guess, really dealing with it.
Speaker 2:You know, we just kept living our lives like normal yeah like games on the computer and yeah, he would I remember he actually ordered a couple things because he had to learn how to do everything with his left hand. He ordered, like, a left-handed keyboard to help him. He ordered this thing that he could play video games with his legs when he wasn't able to use, like his right arm and everything.
Speaker 1:So yeah, he was really innovative with stuff yeah, I love that.
Speaker 2:That's really cool, that's one thing is he was very smart. That's something I definitely want to throw in there.
Speaker 1:He was very smart so then at what point in time? So then having to deal with it was because of how physically your, his body was basically like hey, hello, yeah, like at what? Because I was gonna ask at what point do you feel like he it changed to where you go from in denial to having to deal with it so I'd say it really got bad, probably about May of 2020.
Speaker 2:And that was a time where I forget exactly when in May. But we got up one day and you know I was trying to talk to him and when he would talk back to me it made no sense. He was speaking words, but they were very jumbled. They just didn't quite match up with what he was trying to say, and that's what we both were kind of like, oh gosh. So of course, we go to the hospital, and that was about the time that we found out that his tumor had spread and what it had done is it actually looked like it honestly grew legs because it had reached over his brain from the left side to the right and it went.
Speaker 1:I mean right across, like his stem and everything it was.
Speaker 2:I'll say the images are fascinating besides what they mean, but very fascinating to look at.
Speaker 1:But at this time I kind of panic in this May time because, also, let's go back. So you guys got married, I want to touch on that. So you guys got married and you was he like he was chilling, he was good, you guys were good. And then that's when you guys were going on like you went on some trips yeah, you're just like chilling, going through chemo. He'd get a couple mig migraines, that sort of thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then we got to, you know, celebrate our first anniversary. I remember we went to DC Prime, had a nice meal Like it's amazing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it was perfectly normal. There were times in that year and a half, so from November 2018 to May 2020, when he was doing relatively okay. There were some times that he was doing so okay that I would forget that he had brain cancer, right? Yeah, you know because that kind of nice though it was it was very nice because there were times where you know, during his chemo you know his tumor would shrink and we see like a lot of shrink coming through it.
Speaker 1:I don't know. It doesn't make sense. It was big shrink there was a lot of shrink.
Speaker 2:Yeah, also to give context, his tumor was the size of a golf ball, which is which is funny because you know he loved to play golf.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah that just to give you a context of like how big it was, yeah, which is crazy considering, like, the size of your brain. So, but yeah, there would be times where I would almost forget about it. And when this had occurred in may of 2020, they wanted to immediately start chemo again, because I believe he had already done radiation. He wasn't able to do it again. They wanted to hurry up and start doing chemo right then and there, and I'm like, okay, yeah, of course, so after he starts chemo again, I called Duke and I'm like, hey, just so you know, he had like recurrence, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 2:And I talked to this guy and he's basically, oh well, then why did you start another round of chemo? Like kind of almost being like condescending, if you will, like I, I'm going to be honest, I got beef with Duke University after this whole thing, but that's, that is besides the point. He said if any recurrence happened, give him a call. And of course, you know Jeremy was like not making any sense. It was almost like he was having a stroke, if you will, and I was afraid. I mean, I didn't know what else to do. So when they said, you know, we can start him on IV chemo.
Speaker 1:Now I'm like, of course, absolutely Because, also, you didn't trust those guys. Because last time you went down there and you thought that a certain thing would probably maybe work he'd be a candidate for and he wasn't. So why? So? Why would you be like, hold on, let him wait a minute while I try to make some plans over here with you all, duke, and make sure that you're gonna like?
Speaker 2:exactly, and I mean, how did we know that it would not take a week or something, right, and then he could just end up being worse off right, and you have to get down there and that was. That was the whole thing. That was like a really sour note, like if you already knew ahead of time that he wouldn't qualify, why would you bring us down there right and waste time? I know so. I just I know that doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:So yeah, besides the yeah yeah, besides the point, because I guess it wasn't meant to be like. All that shit was not meant to like it would have been way more.
Speaker 2:But yeah, that's that was pace. Uh, basically, about the tipping point where things really shifted, he was doing like IV chemo. We would go every I think every two weeks, if I'm not mistaken. We'd drive to Fairfax and he'd sit there for like two hours and they would do chemo and we'd have to make sure that his platelets were even high enough for him to do chemo. Just, he was tired all the time. You know stuff like that. He was having a really hard time walking, so at that point we had gotten him a wheelchair and it was just. It was really hard for him personally because there was a lot of stuff he wasn't able to do, and I think it was kind of a blow to his ego that.
Speaker 2:I had to do a lot of things for him and I'm like, I'm your wife, like that's what I'm here for. You know, it's just it. That was. That was some things. That was hard for him, that's for sure, other than just absolutely feeling like shit because you got brain cancer and you're going through chemo so when officially?
Speaker 1:is that officially? When your life, because when did your life start?
Speaker 2:to your life personally, like start to shift to where you became caretaker, i'd'd really say I mean probably that November or December of 2018, when we found out because I had to go from working full time. I actually was not only working full time, I was in school full time. I had just gone back to school in hopes of, you know, pursuing a psychology degree and, just with the way that everything worked out, I ended up having to actually quit going because I had to take care of him. You know, I can't take an exam whenever I've got to take my husband to chemo. You know what?
Speaker 1:I mean, like you had to take him to chemo.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you weigh out your options, obviously, and you know it's just that I would say is probably exactly when everything really changed for me. I would do it all again. Was it hard? Of course, was it hard in the moment.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. What kind of things would you be thinking and feeling? Do you remember? Did you feel resentful or annoyed, or like or not? Really.
Speaker 2:Not really. There would be times where I would feel slightly resentful and I would feel bad for feeling that way, because it's not like he asked for having brain cancer. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:But you're still a human that like is now giving up your life.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and that that was it. You know, like I felt like I didn't have an identity anymore other than just taking care of my husband.
Speaker 1:I know, and you were 25, freshly 25.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly 25, 26. When this is all happening.
Speaker 1:What the hell do you know? Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:I can rent a car.
Speaker 1:You know I mean, yeah, just enough to be able to take care of someone who needs your help. You know it feels like you're just now responsible enough.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, and that's why you know enough Absolutely, and that's why you know it was never a choice for me. I was just like absolutely, you know, like I'm a hundred percent in, and that was before we were even married. And then we did get married and, yeah, I mean, a lot of my life was just focused on what we were doing around his schedule. And the first year was completely fine, though you know we did have to go to do radiation and chemo and things like that, but also, again, we were able to do that traveling and it was. It was nice because again there was those times where it didn't even feel like he had chemo um, excuse me, cancer yeah, yeah, and then it just yeah, it ended up getting real.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, back to where we are now. Like what types of did his head hurt all the time and stuff, like what sort of symptom, like what really ailed him the most? Yeah, his head.
Speaker 2:Was his head like just being like uh yeah, his head would hurt a lot of horrible yeah, and there was a time period where he had like gained a bunch of weight and then like he lost a bunch of weight because he was just like not wanting to eat or anything like that right, it's just yeah, so hard and with the not being able to walk, that was very difficult because there would be times where I would have to lift him and I mean he was like six foot one, 200 pounds, right, that's what.
Speaker 2:my parents would sometimes come help me and be like, how the hell did you lift this man? And I'm like I guess it's love, strength.
Speaker 1:I don't know Like I have to do it Exactly.
Speaker 2:And that's what you know. I was always very protective of him. If someone would offer to help, I'd be like, no, I've got it. Yeah, Very stubborn about it, but yeah, it was. It was that was a difficult summer. That, yeah for sure, that was a very difficult summer and it got really, really, really real towards the end of September of 2020, when he started losing his ability to be able to speak. He wouldn't be able to do complete sentences, but he could do like a couple words to kind of make it sense, make sense. And then then there was a timeframe in October where he'd be able to pretty much, you know, say yes and no, but then he would just start saying like yes to everything, Dang, and be like do you want the remote? Yes, Do you not like me?
Speaker 1:Yes, be like do you want the remote?
Speaker 2:yes, do you not like me, yes, like. I asked him one time if he liked me and he said no, I'm like. Oh, all right, I remember that. Yeah, well, that hurt my feelings a little bit but yeah, and then after that he was just non-responsive yeah, and how was his attitude about it?
Speaker 1:like that summer, how was he feeling that summer? Like mentally or like not mentally, but like his attitude to spirit? He was, he was pretty defeated.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, he was. I have photos, and photos of looking at him back in that summer are hard to look at because you can see it was like uh, you could see it coming out of his eyes. It was just, they were kind of hollow, not really kind of. The lights are on, but no one's home, if you will, but it's just. I can't imagine you know what he, how he felt going through it.
Speaker 2:You know right and again, with him just being in extreme denial about it. That all came to an ugly head eventually, really, yes, if I'm not mistaken, it was actually the day after my birthday. We had been working with Blue Ridge Hospice once we found out. So what year is this? This is 2020.
Speaker 1:Wow so, and wow Okay.
Speaker 2:So I did skip a little bit to get there.
Speaker 1:But no, no, yes, Continue, though, but I was just like okay, cause you said he was out of denial and yeah Of that. That far, that's great, go ahead.
Speaker 2:So in October of 2020, he gets a, he has a doctor's appointment and basically it's like a reevaluation of to see what they can do for him, and they basically were like, yeah, so there's not much we can do for him at this point. Like he's already done chemo, he's already done radiation and it's just not responding anymore. So he is going to be considered end of life stage and you know, he's going to be put on hospice and were you expecting that to be the outcome?
Speaker 1:oh yes, yeah you. When you went into that appointment, you were like this is what's probably, they're going to tell us that this is I, I was not shocked.
Speaker 2:Okay, I was not shocked, by any means yeah and at that point there was I don't know why still this little bit of hope because we had talked to duke. Again. Don't know why we're still talking to these people at this point, but that's what they're like yeah, we might have something that he can qualify for. Go ahead and get him down here and we'll kind of do xyz. And of course we go and do xyz and it's the same shit that we did, like a year before and they basically wasted our time saying, well, there's nothing that he qualifies for because he's already had regrowth in the tumor. And like we ended up we were supposed to wait for a doctor to come in. We ended up walking out. I was like let's just go home, like, do you want to leave?
Speaker 2:and he's like, yeah, yeah so we did and that is something I regret doing because it was a lot for him just to. We ended up driving down there the first time we flew. It's like a 45 minute flight if that the second time we drove. So it was just physically a lot on his body, mentally, physically for him, and it's just something I wish that we never did.
Speaker 2:But because was it just you two that went down there uh, his, his father, jack, also went with, and after that point this is now mid to late october 2020 he is then put on uh hospice care how did he feel?
Speaker 1:going home from that he was agitated, very agitated leaving that appointment where they were like you're on hospice, you're going to have to be on that and I'm like Kat, like he was like or no, you're talking about the.
Speaker 2:So they had actually, like Blue Ridge Hospice had actually reached out to me beforehand. Yes, they reached out to me about a week before we went to Duke and they're like hey we can start X, y, z day, and that's why I said well, let's go and see what Duke says first, and then, if it's nothing, we'll go ahead and start. And that was pretty much where it went from there.
Speaker 1:Gotcha yeah, and he was agitated, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:He didn't want to be in the car, he didn't want to go, he was just very and that's what I I kind of I hate to say it I kind of guilted him a little bit.
Speaker 1:I'm like can you just please, yeah for me, for the kids, please right and again just after the time was wasted.
Speaker 1:It was just very yeah but I feel like, at the same time, he hadn't made a declaration either, had he to say I don't want to do anything else, I want, I want this to not be like this. I'm okay with everything and I've found acceptance and I'm good, not really, no. So what else were you to do other than be like it sounds? It seems like you probably still want a solution here yeah, and then I might be able to give you one and it might be cool, and we better go figure this out.
Speaker 2:At least you know absolutely, and that's what he he just was. He was done with being pro, uh, poked and prodded totally.
Speaker 1:You know totally and being in those environments and everything, and that's what you know.
Speaker 2:while it was, that was, I think, where it really really started to set in for me. And yeah, that was kind of really where it started, because he again started to lose his speech. He started not making any sense. You know, it was, it was difficult. I'd say I probably lost him about six weeks before he died, but you were present for the all those six weeks. Yeah, it was. It was tough because you know you're basically working with someone who's not able to communicate with you, right?
Speaker 1:And you're just trying to figure out what this person wants or needs.
Speaker 2:And you know it's like are you hungry? Do you need to go to the bathroom? Like what are we doing now? And it was just.
Speaker 1:It was very difficult yeah, how did you do it?
Speaker 2:hospice helped a lot.
Speaker 2:That's for sure were they there all the time. They would come at least once a day. There would be someone that would come and help bathe him and there would be someone that would come in and you know like, administer medications and things like that, and they basically would just help me be like, hey, so if he has a seizure, do this, if he needs meds, here's how much to give him of this and X, y, z. So I was a nurse for a little bit to give him of this and xyz.
Speaker 1:so I was a nurse for a little bit, yeah, you really were.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how did you feel about it when it was happening? I was very, again, very protective of him, because his parents were also present for all of this oh, they were also there yes, they were present almost all the time and it was. It was a lot. It was a lot because they wanted to be hands-on and helpful and while I did appreciate some of the help, there was a lot of it. Where it's, you're kind of making more of a mess right being helpful.
Speaker 1:I hate to say wow, yeah, I probably took a lot of patience like, did you ever flip out?
Speaker 2:no, wow yeah, because, as I said at the beginning, gina is very chill there was a time where they were like, hey, go out, don't worry, we'll take care of jeremy, we'll figure out. You know what to do. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, all right, fine, whatever, and I'm gone maybe 10 or 15 minutes. I just go to brent's right down the street from where we were and they're calling me, and calling me, and calling me and I'm like, oh my god, I gotta go home.
Speaker 2:So I get back home and they're trying to figure out what he wants, because he just keeps like making a motion, and I walk in and I knew what he wanted in about 30 seconds, which was what his glasses. He didn't have his glasses on, so he couldn't see.
Speaker 1:So yeah, so they were there the whole time Now.
Speaker 2:they didn't like stay with us.
Speaker 1:Right, but they would pop in and out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Because I feel like even he, if he would be like. You know, guys, I don't want you around me all this much, Pretty much yeah, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he gets to. He's like me. He gets to a point where it's like, all right, let's go please.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, so that was probably the hardest part, you think. What do you think was the hardest part? Was that the hardest part, like the six weeks?
Speaker 2:Absolutely yeah, you know, other than the initial like finding out what it is, because just basically knowing that he, it was really difficult Jarring yes, exactly.
Speaker 1:You're just living your life and then boom Pretty much, yeah, worst case scenario how are his kids doing right now, or how were they doing at the time?
Speaker 2:So they kind of were just like you know, chilling being kids what 10 and 12 when he got diagnosed and then 12 and 14 when they died. When he died, excuse me, yeah.
Speaker 2:His son expressed outwardly the most. His daughter internalized a lot of it and it ended up leading to a lot of anxiety manifesting inside of her. I remember I don't know what actually I remember I don't know what actually I know what I would do, because I did it the day that he died. Um, I had obviously called katie and was like hey, blah, blah, blah, and she brought the kids over and dominic came to see him one last time and natalie chose not to, and I can't say that I blame her, because after I knew he was gone, I did not reenter the room. Yeah, I didn't want to, and, um, cause it took. That's something people don't talk about, like, whenever someone dies, they take forever to come get them.
Speaker 1:Oh, god, whoa I hate to say that, but they take a good minute to come get them.
Speaker 2:Like. It was probably like an hour, two hours, so how?
Speaker 1:did you know that he was going to like? How could you tell what was like going on at this point?
Speaker 2:So he would get to a point where he was just very restless. It was very difficult to keep him, you know, like calm and not agitated, and that was what the nurses had told me. Like you know, once he gets to this certain point, his blood pressure was very low, you know, just his oxygen levels were low, stuff like that.
Speaker 2:And that's what they had prepped me for it and they're like just give him a bunch of. It was lorazepam and morphine I think that was his cocktail that they were given it when it really got towards the end. They basically really got towards the end.
Speaker 1:they basically were just like here, dose him every couple hours to just pretty much knock him out, because basically your body is shutting down.
Speaker 2:Yes, which is crazy to think about, it's very crazy human spirits are in bodies that shut down yeah, it's really wild because, yeah, it's just that's exactly what happened. You know, slowly, he just was not able to do X, y, z, and then, you know, he got to a point where it was just done. Then you were there, mm-hmm, and I think he was very conscious throughout it, because I remember the night before he died, his mother had asked me you would think she would already have known this, because she asked me the story of how we met and, like wanted to know the exact details, and I'm like I feel like you should already know this, but anyway, yeah, so I'm retelling the story like it's a little late, but yeah, okay, exactly.
Speaker 2:so I'm like retelling the story and blah, blah, blah, and of course I get like very emotional about yeah, because you're like it's yeah, yeah like super, super emotional. And then I remember I actually like chose not to sleep in the room that night and that's what his mom had asked me. She goes do you want to go? He was in his own separate little hospital bed and she's like do you want to go and like kind of snuggle with him? Or, you know, lay there with him.
Speaker 2:And I said, no, I'm good, and I had planned to do it the following day. And I remember whenever I got up I was just fooling around on my computer, seriously like I was watching Schitt's Creek. I had I was working from, working from home. I'll put air quotes.
Speaker 2:I wasn't really doing a whole lot but I was working from home and I went in and I was like good morning, and I told him that I loved him and I had kissed him on his cheek and he took his last breath, shut up. Yeah, it was really bizarre because I obviously had never experienced that before and he had just like let out one last like and I sat there and I'm like waiting for more Like and it just he never did. Wow, and I remember I started panicking. I was like like not that it's fun, I mean now, it's human stuff, yeah it's kind of funny to look back on now, but that's what I just.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that was how that happened mean it sounds kind of nice, though yeah, in terms of like it sounds like a normal day, I always say that he waited for me. That's what I'm saying. Like I feel like he was like okay, it's calm in here.
Speaker 2:You know she's over there chilling. She's about to come in here. I was eating a chocolate croissant, living my life.
Speaker 1:That's what I'm saying, like let me leave her when she's, you know, happy and seems like okay, how did the room feel? Do you remember how the room felt when he? I'm just curious of like being around.
Speaker 2:It felt comforting to me, you know. Yeah, it always felt like his presence was there, especially like the first. I'd say two weeks, something like that. But I wonder, you know, you think about reincarnation or like souls or stuff like that. It's like I just wonder where they go.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I feel like, because I don't. When do they recarnate versus when are they hanging with us, right? Can they be at both at the same time, right? Somebody knows the answer to this, but I don't. I wonder that too. I would think that time is different, of course, too.
Speaker 2:So like our perception of now versus like I don't know but yeah, and then, just after the fact, I don't mean to laugh, but he, uh, his request was to be cremated, so that was what we did and so, yes, but side note, so it takes forever for them to come pick up the body.
Speaker 1:I do want to touch back on that. Like, how long is the body sitting in your?
Speaker 2:yeah, just like chilling in my room. Well, it was long enough to where my parents got there from steven city okay so let's remember, steven city to leesburg is almost an hour, yeah. So they were already there like chilling and like a little bit, and I went out with my mother-in-law because she didn't want to be in there either, and I remember we went and got natalie out of the car because natalie was in the car oh, it is kind of a funny thing like to think about.
Speaker 1:Like that person is gone and they're going to be cremated, so like this is just a bag of bones at this point, like not to be like you would be surprised. Is that how you felt? I mean you would be surprised, is that how you felt?
Speaker 2:I mean because that's what it sounds like she had already started turning blue. Yeah, like it was very quick, isn't that crazy? It's very, it's very crazy. And then, like you know, my thing is again like when does rigor mortis come in? Cause, that's what? Again, I wanted nothing to do, right yeah, wanted nothing to do, right yeah.
Speaker 1:Like isn't that crazy that a person like that literal change I'm sorry that I'm like fixated on it right now, but it's like it's a person that we love and care about that make a huge impact in your life. You know it's your person and then they're literally, just then now, a bag of bones, Like they're just bones, they're just a body. It was very odd, you know, yeah, Like when you say yeah, and she didn't want to be in there and I didn't want to be there. Like this transition from okay yeah, Now this is yeah absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was, that was. You know. That's what I go back to. It's like I had already lost him before he was gone.
Speaker 1:So right Right.
Speaker 2:It wasn't like I felt like I had already mourned the loss, but it just you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. It's like it becomes you weren't there anyway, right the real. You was not present, right, which is sad, but you know, it's just crazy, Just the reality of that. We're just in these like bodies.
Speaker 2:Oh, I know it's so weird. Yeah, we just walk around in our little like sacks of skin For real.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, and our little like sacks of skin for real, oh my god, but anyway, oh man, so, yeah, so then, yeah, oh, so this was in 2020, though, too, so yeah, so let's remember, pandemic is very much like happening.
Speaker 2:It's not, of course, like March or April when it first happened and everything was oh also, let's add, jeremy died two days before Thanksgiving, so like the whole world was not working at all, so yeah, so I had to start making phone calls and everything on Black Friday.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is so crazy. Everything is just like in limbo.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it needs to get done, and there were places, of course, that weren't open because they would close for the whole Thanksgiving weekend. So there was a lot that I couldn't do until the following Monday, because when somebody dies, what are the next steps? So it all depends, first of all, if the person has a will or not. Like, for example, the day after my birthday, I found out that my brother-in-law and my husband had done nothing to plan.
Speaker 1:Was that their job this whole time? They were supposed to like do some stuff.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know, yeah yeah, he was supposed to be the executor of the estate and basically what we had to do was hurry up, get a will put together while he was able to sign, and that's what he could. With a left hand he could give it a signature. So pretty much you have to see if that's done or not and then kind of go off there. Now another thing you have to do is you got to call social security and you have to call the dmv. That's another one that you'll have to do so what do you have to?
Speaker 1:do you have to call social security and say what hi, the person with this number is no longer. Did they put you on hold and stuff? Does it take forever, or no?
Speaker 2:it took forever because I had to do it during covid. That's the big thing to remember with doing all of Jeremy's stuff was everything happened around COVID and it's a lot of things you don't think about honestly, like their cell phone plan, let's say. Like, for example, a lot of the utilities were in Jeremy's name. I had to get everything switched over to my name. Oh my gosh, if you don't have joint bank accounts, you got to get in contact with the bank now and then a lot of thing. Uh, one thing to remember a lot of these things need to provide a death certificate and then you get the death certificate after I got it, after jeremy was cremated. So basically, they like gave me his remains and then like a big ass envelope.
Speaker 2:You decide how many copies you want and of course they cost money. They're not free. How much are they Each one? I will be honest, I don't remember. I think we got like 15 copies, okay yeah. And there's other things that you have to do too, like, for example, if you want to run an obituary in the paper. We did not do that with Jeremy. Katie was supposed to come up with something. I'm not sure if she ended up like kind of sending anything out to old Colorado, friends or not, but as far as I know there was not one that was done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because even those are expensive.
Speaker 2:Oh my, to run it through the paper is like $300. Something like that. It's insane.
Speaker 1:I know it sounds like a nightmare of like chores and bill stuff that nobody feels like doing pretty much.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a lot of like laundry, yeah, if you will. Yeah, it's basically just a lot of really silly stuff. And then big ones as well as like retirement accounts, for example, like if you're married and if it's in their will, or what have you like? I inherited a 401k and then I actually need to call them, because my mom and I were discussing this over the weekend and she's like hey, you need to check to see that they don't have a time frame for you to do something they probably would.
Speaker 1:They'd be like, if you don't do it after like five years or something, or three.
Speaker 2:That's what the. That's what mom said the time frame was actually.
Speaker 1:That's so funny it's five years, and so it after like five years or something or three.
Speaker 2:That's what the that's what mom said. The timeframe was actually. That's so funny, it's five years, and so I was like shit, I'm like three and a half almost.
Speaker 1:So you have to. You just transfer into your own. So or do you get the money?
Speaker 2:You have to do something with the money depending on now. It's all from what I understand. I understand like company to company base, okay, so I might need to figure out what they're doing specifically, because it's through like his old employer.
Speaker 1:Okay, so then you get the money, but do you have the actual money on you, like it's your money now? No, it's in a retirement account until you retire.
Speaker 2:Then you get it so when you originally would have retired yes, exactly so.
Speaker 2:With a 401k, typically what people do with it is they. They either cash it out or they'll transfer it to a traditional ira where they'll be able to continue to add to it. You get x amount of dollars that you're able to continue to add to an ira each year, but the retirement age is 59 and a half, so you're able to withdraw off of an IRA, but you pay taxes whenever you withdraw. With a traditional IRA, I could go into retirement accounts, but yeah, basically with that it could be something that's considered like treat as your own, so I can do what I want with it, but I have a timeframe to do something with it.
Speaker 2:So I can most people do most people put it into like an IRA, because you can continue to add to it. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I got um.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it, honestly because I have. I already have another 401k that's mine through my job right.
Speaker 1:So then I'm like, do people add it to? No, you can't add it to that, because that would be because yeah, you can just put it in like a higher earning yield account exactly, and you'll earn more interest on top of it. So shout out to cory seymour. You might want to go see cory seymour, edward jones and stephen c, that's who I see.
Speaker 2:No, but cory's the mom. That's what I'm trying to think of. Anything else that's big. Definitely the dmv, definitely the social security administration, because you don't want identity theft.
Speaker 1:Same with the banks how do people act when you get them on the phone and stuff? How was your experience? I guess it was during covid, so it's. But how was your experience? Is everybody pretty cool, chill, the systems were pretty good, or?
Speaker 2:honestly, I don't remember getting a whole lot of like it was all good yeah, I don't remember there being like a lot of issues with it, other than it just took a lot of time. I don't think we got the death certificates till like december, because a lot of places want to see it just to be like well, show us proof yeah, like seriously yeah yeah, it depends.
Speaker 2:For example, our power company was probably the nicest that I talked to. You know, like very sincere with their condolences and they even like waived our fee for turning off the power, switching the name, I forget what it was there was, there was going to be a fee and they were kind enough to waive it, so that was a nice experience. Oh yeah, and like switching your insurance as well, your health insurance, your homeowners, your car insurance, whatever it is that you may have. That was another one too another thing, too.
Speaker 1:Is that what happens to people's medical debt? When they die, did their assets like did all their stuff?
Speaker 2:goes to cover it pretty much. That's exactly how that. Yeah, there is an estate and, um, there's like money that's available, it'll go to whatever debt is. Yeah, if there's medical bills and there's like money that's available, it'll go to whatever debt is yeah.
Speaker 1:If there's medical bills and there's no money to cover it from the person, does it fall on the like? Would it fall on you and your accounts and stuff?
Speaker 2:From what I understand, I think so, but don't quote me on that, folks. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I've always wondered that, like, if you are a person you have a bunch of medical bills and no money, and then you just like have all these medical bills and like then who would have to pay them if you don't have any money? I guess first off they would take your shit and then after that they would take so say. Thankfully I, jeremy, was not in that position no, I'm not saying he was, I'm just saying no.
Speaker 2:No, I was just thinking like I wish I had a better answer yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, there's just there's a lot of things that you don't really think about. It's just like, oh well, shit here we go. He had the Lowe's card in his name. I gotta cancel that yeah, yeah, for real.
Speaker 1:How did your life look after that? Because you go straight from being a person taking care of another person into your life.
Speaker 2:So it was kind of a weird transition because I forgot how to take care of myself. I forgot how because that was my life, you know was taking care of him. He was my priority. Everything that I did was based off of either what he was doing or what he needed Right. So, and that's how it had to be, right, exactly. And it was so weird because I had so much free time. Now I want to say I guess this is maybe like subjective, but I went back to work somewhat quickly, like full time back to work. I think it was about maybe three weeks after he passed away. I pretty much just did everything I needed to get done, made all my phone calls or whatever I had to do as far as taking care of his things, and then I was just like all right, well, I mean, what else are you going to do?
Speaker 2:Start needing to make some money here, because obviously he was in tech, he was not hurting for a salary, but I was working at at this point now I'm working at a little foot clinic, yeah it's you working at the foot clinic yeah but yeah, I mean, I feel like you can grieve and also live your life at the same time.
Speaker 1:You're gonna have to eventually. Oh, you know, it's like you're, you can do both.
Speaker 2:It's not like you're avoiding oh no, absolutely, and it was just honestly. I think going back to work was what kind of saved my mental health, but I was absolutely in therapy. I was in therapy for months after that.
Speaker 1:Right, quite frankly, still am you know, you in therapy, while it was how everything was happening.
Speaker 2:No, no, do you wish you would have been? Yes, yeah, notice how quick I answer that. Yeah, I really wish that I would have been, because, again, I just I feel like I kind of lost my sense of identity during that timeframe and it was like, whenever I got it back, it was like yeah, it was like shocking.
Speaker 2:I had all of this time and it's. It's funny because one thing that people talk about is what you do with their things and when you do it with their things. I remember, after I had finished individual bereavement therapy, I went to group bereavement therapy and I remember this gentleman had lost his wife, I think maybe like two years beforehand and like still hadn't moved any of her stuff out of the closet. And I'll be so honest, I moved everything out of closet, like the day after Jeremy died, but I like I got a lot of clothes, so that's just me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I still have all his stuff, though, it's just it goes to show that everybody is different.
Speaker 1:Oh, everybody feels differently. Everyone's dynamics of their relationships are different. Every situation is different. There is no one size fits all to you know, when you do anything.
Speaker 2:And what's really big that I think just needs to be emphasized is it's not linear. There is no timeline where it's just you know oh well, it's been a year you got to be over it now. Just you know, oh well, it's been a year, you got to be over it now. No, I mean, if anything, I'll be honest I really hardly remember 2021.
Speaker 2:I don't remember a lot of that year because my brain was so foggy yeah, like you know that makes a lot of sense, absolutely, and it's just because you're on like autopilot or just trying to get through your life Exactly. That's exactly how it was.
Speaker 1:It makes complete sense and I don't think people talk about that.
Speaker 2:No, you go into like a survival mode almost where it's just my anxiety was so bad after he died, so so bad because I felt like I lost my sense of protection. It took so much time to just feel like I can go to the store and not feel like I need to be on high alert.
Speaker 1:Yeah, did you feel okay. Yeah, so did you feel like everything you were doing, you're kind of like is this wrong, is this right? Should I be doing this Like? Should I not? What really?
Speaker 2:another thing people don't talk about is survivor's guilt. It is a hell of a thing, because you start to feel a little better and you start to have a little bit of fun in life and you feel guilty, or you know, it was that way too before he died. Like I was, you know, able to go do something for myself, you would feel so guilty because they're not able to do it. You know what I mean yeah just yeah, that's. That's a tough one too, is the?
Speaker 1:what types of thoughts come in your mind? For, like survivor's guilt, oh, like what would show up?
Speaker 2:you know, it would just be like oh, I wish jeremy could have seen this, or I wish that jeremy would have been able to experience this. He would have loved it. There's a lot of times where I find it very comfortable to just kind of shout into the void like they're there, like you know, um, when his mother's acting crazy, I'm like you left me with this, yeah, yeah you know what I mean, yeah.
Speaker 2:Or if there was somebody that we both know be like oh my god, did you just see so? Andso right, right, yeah, like tv shows or movies or stuff that he was waiting for. Like you watching them? Yeah, like us, we watched a lot of like really trashy reality stuff together our first. You remember the first couple weeks of the pandemic when everyone was like we, we've got some time to just yeah, watch tv we watched all of 90 day fiance.
Speaker 1:Dude 90 day fiance was hot during that time, though Like it was prime 90 day fiance.
Speaker 2:It was so good. Absolutely Like Nicole and Azan oh my God, danielle, oh my. God.
Speaker 1:Danielle Muhammad, oh my God.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that was prime that was some good, some good stuff. Yeah, we watched a lot of stuff together. That's what. Uh, schitt's creek has become a comfort for me because that was one of the last couple things we got to like fully watch together.
Speaker 1:So yeah, what other shows did you guys like? We watched gossip girl. He loved gossip girl.
Speaker 2:Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Jersey shore. What other shows did you guys like? We watched Gossip Girl. He loved Gossip Girl. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, Jersey Shore. We were big fans of that.
Speaker 2:We watched some dramas too. Yeah, what dramas were in the mix. This was in the last season hype of Game of Thrones, so we watched some Game of Thrones. We watched Succession, yellowstone. You guys were going through some series, oh goodness, yeah, like there's one thing about jeremy he's gonna watch something. Yeah, if he wasn't playing video games, he was watching movies or tv shows. He was very into that. I can't tell you how many times he'd say, hey, have you seen this movie, girl? I've never seen that movie and I never will I'm not a movie person, yeah, yeah yeah, I fall asleep.
Speaker 2:Remember, remember when you, me and was it Luke went to Fast and Furious Girl, I was out Out. I woke up to like the tribute at the end to Paul Walker. He's a lonely no.
Speaker 1:You remember. You look at Regina, she's just opening her eyes.
Speaker 2:I'm like rubbing my little eye. I want to go see a movie yeah, but yeah man.
Speaker 1:So yeah, had some dramas. Where are we? Where do we go off topic with that? What were we talking about?
Speaker 2:oh, we were just talking about like stuff that we would watch together. Our first like three dates consisted of watching all of the Harry Potter movies.
Speaker 1:So yeah, so all of 2021 felt kind of like a like what the heck was? Even life, Pretty much yeah.
Speaker 2:The one thing I will say through 2021 is I did grow a pretty decent relationship with Katie. We both had kind of bonded over the loss together and she has been very, very gracious and just wonderful with, you know, letting me see the children and everything like that, because you know it could have 100% went the other way. Yeah, she could have been like bye, yeah, exactly, and that's what you know. I'm just super thankful that that's not the way it played out and you know, I see them as much as I can now yeah, you know, sometimes work gets in the way, but with a new schedule, yeah, and plus, you know they're teens, oh goodness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I don't want to I don't want to, you know, encroach on her little boyfriend time no, exactly his little friend time, exactly.
Speaker 1:But you all just went to france.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we went to, uh, paris for natalie's 16th birthday. Yeah, that was.
Speaker 2:I mean again, that was a trip that katie had been planning for years, like she didn't have to invite me to go with them, but she did and that meant a lot to me it's good to be able to still have that time with them, and while Jeremy's son does not look exactly like him, he does a lot of the same mannerisms and it kind of freaks me out. Sometimes. I'm like, oh, you look exactly like your father when you do that, and then his daughter just looks so much like him yeah and she's just so pretty and does it make you kind of happy to see?
Speaker 2:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like, are you like yeah?
Speaker 2:it's. It's really nice to just you know, see him to be a part of that. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So then I guess yeah, how are you through it? Like, how are you with everything at this point, cause now we're in 2024.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's, it's 2024. One thing that is awkward, or felt awkward in the beginning, is the subject of dating again. Yeah, because you know that's what we had been together for. What was that? Four years, yeah, 2016 to 2020. We were together for four years, we were married for one and just it, I don't know. It would always feel like kind of awkward to really think about. I also didn't want to be judged by other people. I didn't want his parents to feel any sort of way because I'm seeing someone else. But I have dated since and that's perfectly fine. It's just. It was a little strange to think about it first for sure kind of goes in with the survivor's guilt that I was mentioning earlier.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you think his parents care?
Speaker 2:that's an interesting subject right now. Yeah, um, that's, that's a story we can talk about later.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah, that is like a whole other element. Yeah, dating after something like that, because do you feel like comparing is a thing or not really Absolutely?
Speaker 2:And I hate that. I do it. It's really bad cause I'll, you know, be spending time with someone and I'm like, oh yeah, you have like the same interests as him, or this is something that he also would have liked, or you know, I don't like the way that he does that. Jeremy did it this way, it's just different, because it's different than like a breakup, obviously when a breakup. You don't want to be with them anymore absolutely the death.
Speaker 2:You're like yeah, I didn't ask to be broken up and you know, what's really funny is, like I don't know that like if this didn't happen and it was present day and he was still here, I don't know that we would have gotten married.
Speaker 2:I know that's funny to say because we did, but because it was never something we were really worried about, like no, we're just having fun, for sure and really it just kind of it made things a little easier, like, as you know, talking to people about medical stuff, and it just made a little bit more sense for us to get married. So we did, but I don't know that we would have, you know, or if we did, we had crazier plans then. But you know, I still, I still like the way we did it, little courthouse style, yeah.
Speaker 1:Who cares? Yeah, honestly, and not have a big party.
Speaker 2:Not that worried about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what is like your biggest lesson from it all? Do you feel like you have a lesson from it all or do you feel like you're still kind of in it, like do you feel in it or out of it? Or I guess some days you feel in it and some days you feel like yeah, it depends on the day. Yeah Cause it's not linear, where you're going to get to a point to where you're like okay, exactly Like. I don't feel this anymore.
Speaker 2:Now the days where it's tougher have definitely minimized. I always have heard like uh, I don't know if you've heard the theory of like grief being like a ball. It's not that it gets smaller, but you grow around it because it's always going to be there. I'm trying to think of if there really is like a lesson from it. At the end of the day, would I do it all over again? Absolutely, you know cause. He was worth it to me. Right, was it hard as hell? Absolutely, it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but you know, the kids were worth it. He was worth it, katie's worth it. Just the relationships I have now are worth it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, totally so. Like what is the? Do you think about the future? Like, do you think about your life's future? I try to, but it's just it's.
Speaker 2:It's something I'm currently working on in therapy actually.
Speaker 2:It's just yeah, I had for a very long time I've had a very pessimistic life view, kind of just like what's the point? A very pessimistic life view, kind of just like what's the point, why are we doing this? But I'm working on creating my own life view instead of not everything has to have a meaning or you can create your own meaning for something, and it's so much easier said than done, but it's something that I'm working on, so it's. It's definitely I will working on. So it's it's definitely. I will say this it is definitely made me so much more open-minded and receptive to therapy because it is absolutely healthy. There's nothing wrong with getting help.
Speaker 2:There's just like I said, I've been it for over three years at this point. So I know just actively trying to better myself because I mean, you really do just, you live a different life. I hate it's your new normal. I hate that term. So yeah, exactly, you kind of just have to get used to it and it's sometimes it's a lot harder than you think.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I mean, even before any of this happened, you were not a person that was super future oriented in general. I feel like you always have kind of been in the present of whatever it is you're doing and driving with yeah, like term, like people have like a five-year plan and it's just like I don't know.
Speaker 2:People may think it's like okay, whatever, but I just don't live that way.
Speaker 1:No, you really don't. Like it would be inauthentic for you to live in a way that you had your goals like that, like five-year goals, like long-term plans, like that.
Speaker 2:Cause. That's the thing is. It's just, I don't want to be stuck in one thing for the rest of my life. You know, what I'm doing right now is, for example it's fine, the benefits of it are fantastic. Am I going to still be there in five years? Hell, if I know.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean Always down to do something different to change, to move, to pivot, that type of thing.
Speaker 2:Exactly Trying to think if there's anything that we missed, you know, say the kids, you know they're doing great.
Speaker 1:Kids are great, gina's great. I mean, are you great? You feel like you're pretty good.
Speaker 2:I feel like I'm doing pretty good these days, so absolutely Do you feel like you're surprised.
Speaker 1:2021, you saw you. Now what would they think? Would they be like? Yeah, that's what I thought. Thank you, good job getting it together.
Speaker 2:I think so, yeah. I definitely think so, yeah, or would they?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So mindset, or would they be even more like very proud?
Speaker 2:I think definitely just proud is a good place to land with that, Absolutely. So I just I feel like in a better place and ready to see what's next.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean it's hard right. I mean it's like the hardest.
Speaker 2:what a crazy experience If I was a teenager and you, if you told me that that's what my life was going to be like, I'd be like you are insane. I would never do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But yeah.
Speaker 1:You know and I guess it also really cause I was thinking about this too while we were talking is that you normally are living your own life however you want. You know you don't have kids, you have cats, you're open to change or open to whatever. You're pretty present, living for you. I mean this whole thing really like you had to be selfless. There was no other choice other than to practice being completely selfless and unattached and like so many things. So there's a like lesson, but like you really had to practice that, because so many of us never have to practice that, never have to give up everything that we have going on, whether it's small things like space and time and going to the mall and shit, you know, but like you had to give up all of that for a length of time and then spend your days and that's a huge thing to have had to go through and then come out on the other side.
Speaker 2:Just, you know, there would be days where I would I don't want to say resent him because I was doing stuff like that because it's just you do. You feel like you lose your life, and it's just you do. You feel like you lose your life and it's just. It's difficult. But you know, looking back on it now, I look back on it fondly, for the most part Not the harder times, of course.
Speaker 1:Sure, sure, but yeah, so yeah, when you think back on it and you think back on Jeremy and all that stuff, what are some things that come to mind that are like positive?
Speaker 2:I mean, I just think about he was funny, he was good looking. You know, not to be just superficial about it, but we had fun, we just we could just talk and talk and didn't need any filler, or it was never just awkward, or it just always felt so natural yeah which was something that I had never really experienced before. You probably hadn't either.
Speaker 2:I don't think so you know, honestly, and it's just some days I try not to think of the mindset, but it's like, dude, I had what I was looking for and you took it from me, yeah for real, yeah, yeah, and not long enough. No, not long enough not long enough, but maybe one day I'll figure out what I'm supposed to learn from it yeah, it doesn't.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, maybe stuff have happened, you know maybe there's nothing. Yeah, maybe it just was a thing that you know just a part of my life.
Speaker 2:I feel like I've lived so many lives at this point and I'm only 31 yeah, you too, but you have. That's not a bad thing? I don't think. No, not at all experienced, if you will exactly cool, gina.
Speaker 1:Well, thanks for coming on. The podcast, of course you know, does that feel like a good place to leave it? Do you have anything else? I know I keep asking, maybe, but I don't think so.
Speaker 2:I mean, I think we we pretty much covered it.
Speaker 1:Thank you for sharing yeah, thank you for sharing your that story with us and that experience. Thank you.