Know Ya Flow
Women in flow, share what they know. Hear women's stories of how they've grown, what they know, and how they are living in flow.
Know Ya Flow
Montessori, Anxiety, and IVF - Rachels Journey to Motherhood
Living in New York City comes with its own set of challenges, especially when balancing financial struggles and personal growth. Rachel candidly shares her experiences of navigating friendships, community, and finances in the bustling city. From feeling lonely to finding solace in Montessori education, she highlights the importance of supportive relationships and activities like yoga in managing anxiety and depression. This episode offers valuable insights into overcoming financial naivety and achieving stability while striving for self-worth and accomplishment.
Motherhood brings yet another layer of profound changes, and Rachel opens up about her journey through IVF, pregnancy, and early motherhood. We discuss practical ways to implement Montessori principles at home, fostering a child's independence and self-confidence. Rachel's passion for Montessori education shines through as she shares her social media presence and interests in yoga and cooking. Tune in for a heartfelt conversation about resilience, personal growth, and the transformative power of living in flow.
Welcome to Know your Flow podcast, where women in flow share what they know. I'm your host, lauren Barton. Join me as we talk to women and hear their stories on what they know, how they've grown and living in flow, all right, so today we're here with Rachel. Hi Rachel, hey Lauren. So we're going to talk. I kind of have an idea of what we're going to talk about. Let's start out with, like, your background. So you started off being what? Like a nanny? Yeah, so you nannied forever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was. I started in college. What made you want to do that? So I was in college and I was dating this man and his sister had a baby and she like needed a nanny and I was like I could do it and I really was like I I like hated babysitting in high school yeah, it's not like a babysitting. It was never my, I don't know, I just babysitting's hard because, like babysitting versus nannying is a totally different experience, because when you're a nanny you like form a relationship, but like babysitting is such a small amount of time and the kids are like it's usually at
Speaker 2:night, whatever. It was never really my vibe anyway, but I was like I could do it. And she was like, okay, and um, I started, I was 20. Yeah, 20. And uh, she was six months old. Her name was Anna. I love her so much. She's like 10 now, which is like insane. Yeah, I did that and then had no idea what I was going to do after college and so my cousin all of this like really weirdly fell in my lap. Yeah, my cousin worked in Italy. It was like the my colleague needs an au pair, do you want to do it? Whoa, and I was like sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I guess yeah. So I moved to Italy and like were you in college at the same time? No, I graduated college, you graduated college With no plan. Okay, what did you go?
Speaker 2:to college for Communications and PR. Okay. Which I'm back working in now.
Speaker 1:Oh really, okay, Gotcha, yeah. So after college you were like, all right, I'm going to take like a year and just go do this vibe yeah, I only went for four months because I didn't want to deal with getting a work visa.
Speaker 2:Also, my best friend was getting married. I don't know, I do. I look back and I regret not staying longer, but I went for four months. It was absolutely magical. And then after that, was home for a little bit in Winchester, where we are now, and didn't know what to do. Actually, that's the year that I found shine yoga oh, I know and then, uh, I remember my dad telling me like Rachel, like you can do anything, you just need to pay your rent.
Speaker 1:I was like yeah, what did you think before then, though, when you I was like I have to get a career. I have to like have.
Speaker 2:I was very like career. I don't even want to say career driven, but like I just thought that I had to like, have that picture perfect first job, like a purpose type of thing too. Of like what I studied in school.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know right, like nannying or babysitting, didn't feel good enough.
Speaker 1:Um which is bullshit because it's a really hard job.
Speaker 2:And then, yeah I. There's a whole long story of my my journey up to New York to be a nanny and I won't go into all the nitty-gritty of that.
Speaker 2:But basically go ahead if you want. Well, I'll do it quickly because it's kind of ridiculous. Yeah, I again, naive 23 year old Rachel, interviewing with all these families, and I'd always wanted to move to New York City and this uh family lived on 72nd and Park Avenue in a penthouse and they were like very nice, but in my mind I was like that's what you do when you go to New York City, like you work for like a wealthy family or whatever. Again, I had no idea really what I was. It's just so funny. My, my standpoint is totally different now. Uh, these people were horrible yeah.
Speaker 2:I worked for them for three days and then quit because really were okay, I mean it was like very much the help not because like the way that the family I ended up working for. Yeah, this woman was crazy. She was allergic to the smell of coffee, which I don't think is. That's not true? I don't think it's real, how?
Speaker 1:because how does that allergy um show up?
Speaker 2:you start itching she just said, I don't know, I wasn't allowed to have caffeine because she was like allergic, I don't know. So that was crazy.
Speaker 2:My point is when I left that hell hole, I drove to a Starbucks and had coffee and had my phone interview with the family that I was going to work for, this amazing family, shannon and Michael. They lived in East Village, which is where I ended up living and I I nannied for them for two and a half years up in New York yeah, so that was like your main job, like that was your job. Yeah, 40 hours, so you lived there and chilled.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was the best and just because like 40 hours a week. And what are your jobs like? What are you doing as a nanny?
Speaker 2:yeah, my gosh. Well, I started when she was four months old. Her name is Samantha, she, she's so cute, yeah. So, oh, man, when you are, it's very much like I guess anyone who's a stay-at-home mom can probably relate like your one-on-one care is super important first year of life, just like that one, that connection because babies can't like focus, they're not group playing, they're not, you know, they're not really like doing anything like that. So, yeah so, hanging out together, singing songs, going to music class in Brooklyn, taking little walks, like you basically get to play mom, yes, and like it was great for the baby fever I've had since, like birth right, I was like I don't want to be a mom at 24.
Speaker 2:also, I like I didn't one didn't have the means to have a baby on my own, or I wasn't with anyone, so like that wasn't an option anyway. But yeah, yeah, yeah, it was. Um, oh my gosh, it was great, especially in New York, because there's so much. You just walk outside and it's like so fun. Yeah yeah, it was an amazing time and also, like I was 24 and I was going out every night.
Speaker 1:Did you have friends there too, we?
Speaker 2:all lived in the same neighborhood. It was so fun.
Speaker 1:How did you?
Speaker 2:know them Through Virginia Tech actually, because I went to Tech and I moved up there and lived in Hell's Kitchen actually first, which I didn't love because I was like, basically living in someone's living room, new York housing is just so weird and I knew it wasn't for me. So I ended up moving down to East Village where a bunch of my friends lived. My friend Joe we were in an acapella group together in college so we she lived across the street from me and we hung out every day. I love her. Two roommates, aaron and Erica, still friends to this day. I mean, some of my core people. I met Xander in New York. Really, really, that's cool. Yeah, we met at karaoke, aww.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so there was like a big kind of Virginia Tech that's so funny, I know.
Speaker 1:So you didn't live with the family, no, no, so that's usually an au pair. Oh, typically, I mean it can.
Speaker 2:Okay, gotcha, that makes sense there are totally different scenarios that work for anybody and, yeah, a ton of people do au pair stuff in New York, um, but yeah, no, okay, cool.
Speaker 1:So because I know you, I know that you, I know anxiety is a big thing for you. So how that all to me sounds very scary to do all that. So how do you think, like in the midst of having anxiety your whole life, that you were able to go and be like, all right, I'm gonna go move here and be a nanny? Is it because you already knew other people that were up there doing something similar, or was it just what was that?
Speaker 2:I don't know. This is like one of the most confusing things about me as a person is that I'm extremely I'm a big risk taker. Yeah, I have a ton of anxiety.
Speaker 1:I don't know, that is funny.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's because it's really weird, because, like, when I think about that, I'm like, yeah, as a 23 year old, I just moved to Italy. What the hell.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, it's so intense and, yeah, I don't know. I mean my anxiety has manifested in many different ways. I would definitely say I didn't know I had anxiety. Then Definitely was anxiety then definitely was just like a quote unquote warrior or like you know, and New York is so energetic and fast paced that it's really distracting and so I kind of got lost in all of that but taught me like really really hard lessons along the way. I think my anxiety peaked when I left New York.
Speaker 2:Actually, um because I was uh kind of cascaded back into grad school because in New York I kind of was like living in this little fairy tale. I mean, yeah, I had no money. I the my favorite thing to do for dinner because, like I literally had no money, I lived right above a Vietnamese place and I would buy pho on Sunday. I would eat half of it, but then I would buy chicken broth and like green onions and carrots and stretch it all week no way that's awesome though.
Speaker 2:Oh, I know, but like but yeah, those things that's so inexpensive, those groceries and the fault was like eight bucks, I think. I mean New York. It's so funny because, like I could tell you all the places to like you can get a manicure for eight dollars at this one place, like one dollar slice pizza like saves your life. You know like, yeah, at the bodegas, like it's like such a deal, you can get coffee for like a dollar and a bagel for like 250. Yeah, like there are like so insanely expensive to live there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it probably looked really glamorous from the outside, but like yeah, I didn't buy conditioner for like two months, just used coconut oil.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that didn't make you anxious Like oh yeah there, but do you think you were just like running?
Speaker 2:I was running on or running on excitement of being in New York. I felt like I was actually a little bit more depressed in New York than anxious, because anxiety and depression are like sisters, and so I definitely had. I mean, everybody cries on the subway in New York but, like you know, I definitely had had those kinds of moments. Or I remember I opened a credit card, didn't really know what credit cards were, and I remember it getting denied and I was like what does that mean? Like I was so naive.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:When I think about it and I had, I had like no money, yeah, but like I was working really hard and like it, just I don't know. It blows my mind sometimes yeah, and. I was babysitting for all these other families too, oh, wow, yeah, to make money and I made you know fine, a fine salary, but I was living in East Village. It's not like I was living in like Bushwick or something that was way more affordable what do you feel like?
Speaker 1:is your relationship with money then? What it was then and now, and how it's sort of all how it's been in your life, what you thought about?
Speaker 2:money. It's definitely a tough relationship, but much better now because I've educated myself how to save money and how to invest money and how to like actually be able to talk about it without freaking out. I used to. I carry a lot of shame around money, I think, you know, with like student loans or things like that. You know, and when I was living in New York specifically, a ton of my friends worked at Estee Lauder and they were making like I mean, I don't even know how much, but more than I was, and it was like, wow, that's so cool, or like they have that cool outfit, or I, yeah, of my best friends, joe, I love her dearly but I'll never forget one day we went to free people and she bought these like 350 pair of, I mean, these amazing boots.
Speaker 2:I remember just being like whoa, like I want to be able to do that yeah, which is so cool though right, but I don't really think of myself as a materialistic person, but like it's nice to like feel successful enough to do that for yourself rather than just buying things. To buy things, exactly. That makes sense, you know, yeah, exactly. So it's definitely better now, still working on it. My husband and I talk about money a lot and I think that really helps like with our relationship. Like we have like budget meetings and we have excel sheets and we like everything is open and that, yeah, helps me a lot. But I still, the other day, I had like one of those fateful days where I got, like I literally got like four Amazon boxes, yeah, and I was like I swear to god, and Xander was like what's going on? Like he didn't care, but I was like I don't know, like I didn't feel like going to Target, so I I just got all this stuff, but like I still carry a lot of shame and I have to explain myself why.
Speaker 2:I wanted to buy this Like and it was like.
Speaker 1:I literally bought like a Ziploc bag organizer Like yeah, which I mean hello, is going to be so helpful. It's pretty great, but, yeah, so, okay, cool. So you were living in New York, poor as heck, no money, but thriving, a bunch of friends going out all the time, and I'm sure it did look glamorous. Like what did your parents think? Like, were they like so? Like, were they very hands-on or worried, or no?
Speaker 2:No, they're not hands-on, they are like a perfect amount. I think they came up and visited me a lot. They love to come visit. Yeah, I remember being pretty closed about the money stuff. Until one night I literally couldn't pay. It's just so embarrassing to think about. Embarrassing is the wrong word, but it just takes me back to that feeling. I couldn't buy a subway pass. It's $2.50, lauren. Yeah, and I was like I don't know, I overdrew my bank account. I can't even remember. Yeah, and I was like I don't know, I, I like overdrew my bank account. I can't even remember. Yeah, and I remember sitting on a bench in Soho, crying, calling my mom, yeah, and she was like are you okay? Like what's happening? Yeah, I was like obviously I'm not okay. Yeah, I would walk a lot and not take the subway. Okay, um, which I kind of would like to do anyway. It's not necessarily a money thing, but like it was a money thing Right, yeah, or if someone's like oh, let's take a cab.
Speaker 2:I'd be like I'll meet you there. Yeah, right, yeah Things like that are like kind of panicking when the check comes. All those feelings like that pit in your stomach of um, I can't afford it. Yeah, um definitely had a lot of those moments, oh and. I was single, so it's not like I had anyone splitting anything with me. I was single, single, yeah, like single. And it's funny because my husband was trying to date me the whole time and I was like I'm good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you like needed that time.
Speaker 2:I was like I'm good, yeah, I totally did.
Speaker 1:Oh, my god, I loved being single yeah, yeah, especially in the city and like in the age and like, yeah, it's just, it's really is so funny to me. Yeah, like all of those things sound very like Ooh, like that would be like high anxiety all the time, like different things like that, but you were like living it and going through it and like taking those risks and stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my anxiety puzzles me because I like I went through about a flight anxiety, which kind of ebbs and flows. It's good right now, but I remember that year I traveled a ton. Yeah, so I don't let my anxiety control me into a box. I suffer through it. I don't know. I know when I say it all out loud I'm like doesn't sound like I have anxiety at all. I definitely do. Yeah, and I. But. But I do think in New York it was way more depression, like what am I going to do with my life? What's my purpose? Right, single was great, but also like felt really lonely. New York can be the loneliest city in the entire world because at times you can walk home and like there's just every everything is happening around you and you're just like but it's just me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, Really really lonely.
Speaker 1:So when did it come to the point when you're like, all right, we got, I got to get out of here and like I'm ready to move on to something else, like how did that feel?
Speaker 2:Samantha was turning two and a half, I think, and they were pregnant.
Speaker 1:They were gonna have it.
Speaker 2:They had another baby baby drew, he's so cute and they were like we'll pay you more money if you want it, and I love, love them. I mean they were. She was the flower girl at my wedding, like.
Speaker 1:I adore these people yeah.
Speaker 2:But I was like, okay, I'm going to. I was turning 26 and I'd really just sort of I felt a little burnt out on New York and my aunt, the whole time I was in New York she kept being like I really think you should look into Montessori. I was like, okay, I never did. But then it was in the spring. I was like, okay, I'll like look into it. And I was going to San Diego to visit a friend and there was a training center there for Montessori teachers. I was like, okay, I'll just for me. Yeah. So. But it kept like kind of you know those, you know, when the universe is trying to like tell you something, it kept like kind of coming up yeah, you know it is funny how somebody can like plant a seed and then it can be like years later they're like oh yeah, didn't they say that?
Speaker 2:and like I remember when so-and-so was talking about that, and like you know exactly, yeah, and as you probably see, I'm a pretty impulsive person, and I found out there was a training center, one in upstate New York, one in Connecticut Well, they're all over the country, but I was trying to stay in New York but then I found out there was one in Baltimore. Okay, I was like, oh, okay, and it was like kind of like the top rated one you could get your master's degree not rated just seemed like convenient and um, what I was looking for.
Speaker 2:and so I set up a phone interview with the institute and I was supposed to talk to Jennifer Shields, who's a primary trainer which primary is like three to six year olds, it's like preschool age kind of um but she wasn't in, and so I talked to Jamie Rue, who is now one of my best friends in the world. She's an elementary trainer, and we talked and she was like I really think you should do elementary.
Speaker 2:You just seem like you would just like do that and I was like yeah, I don't know which is so funny?
Speaker 1:because you had never really been around elementary kids, because you had been with Samantha, who was so little yeah.
Speaker 2:But definitely elementary is my vibe, specifically for what Montessori does with elementary kids, um, but yeah anyway. So I had that interview with her, the application was due, all happened in about three days, wow and um, and I had been talking with my family about like kind of the family that I worked with, like about what I was, what my intentions were. It's not just like I was like bye yeah it was, it was wild, and then I moved out in July.
Speaker 1:Wow, okay, this was happening in June. Wow, and you came back. Did you move back to Winchester?
Speaker 2:I was back in Winchester for like a week and then moved to Baltimore.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, okay. And then did Xander move with you Cause you said you met your husband in.
Speaker 2:New York. Xander and I were just friends in New York in New York.
Speaker 1:No, Xander and I were just friends in New York.
Speaker 2:Okay, how did you guys meet? You said karaoke. We met at karaoke. We met through mutual friends, basically my friend Will, who we did like opera singing stuff together in college. He was like you have to meet my friend Xander, or he said something. No, he said you know Xander, right, and I was like what?
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Yeah, xander was also an acapella in college and whatever. A whole long story. Tons of mutual friends never met. Yeah, we were just friends in New York and then he left to do a solo road trip around the United States okay, find himself, or whatever. It's pretty cool, yeah. And then he ended up back in Arlington so we actually hadn't talked and well, we were like we would like keep in touch on like snapchat or like you know like dumb stuff, but we hadn't talked in a long time.
Speaker 2:But I remember when I moved back to Baltimore, he was texting me like can I take you out to dinner? And I was like I'm busy so dumb, just wasn't ready yet. You know, yeah, exactly, yeah, anyway, yeah, so then Baltimore yeah, city hopped right, nice.
Speaker 1:So you started there, and then what happened? So you finished all your classes and then you went to work immediately yeah, this is another kind of.
Speaker 2:This is sort of I would say, like you know, with this thread that we're talking about with anxiety. I would say where this is. When it occurred to me that I had severe anxiety because of like one specific event yeah, please share. Um, so I was really. I was so obsessed with my Montessori training. Okay, like I did not do, I'm a good student but like undergrad, I was way more interested in like going out and like that kind of stuff. Like, but grad school, I was like really into being there, um, and I did really well whatever I was leading up.
Speaker 1:So has that been your first. It's not to take you off course, but like has that been your personality your whole life? Like are you that type of person that you try to do the very best that you like, try to get like like good grades, like that type of thing, or not really?
Speaker 1:ebbed and flowed, but yeah, I mean I was like straight a student in high school, yeah and very like I, I get this, I do good and then I get loved, type of a thing, or I do this and then people see me and I feel good. I do it because I feel like it's expected.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, and I like school.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like learning. I really like learning, like doing a good job yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:But I also love like people and going out, so like that was college yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Anyway, yeah, so I was so into it and it's really cool the way you get trained as a Montessori teacher. It's very immersive. You have it's so cool. You have lectures in the morning but then you get to be in the classroom and pretend like you're a child learning all these specific lessons. And Montessori is very hands-on. So math is taught all with like materials that you can manipulate, and when you do times tables you're holding quantities in your hand. It's not just an abstract thing on a piece of paper. It's so amazing I just fell in love with it.
Speaker 2:So for exams, it was really really intense. We had written exams and then we had oral exams. And the oral exams there's 70, there's a million lessons in Montessori, but there's 72 that they picked and we had to select six at random, all in different subject areas, and then do them in front of a examiner and it's so intense yeah, it sounds like it. And so I was super nervous, studied my butt off. I mean, studied so hard but there was so much material, it was so intense. And I've always not been great at math. Yeah, never really resonated with me, always sort of just like it's never really been my thing. So I was really nervous about the math one, but I felt like I, you know, I felt I felt good, but I was also like this is going to be hard, yeah, and I remember I chose cube root, which is the hardest lesson. No way, yeah. And I was like fuck, and I like knew it sort of, but like it was also like cube root is hard. It's so hard to find the cube root of a number and the way that we do it in Montessori, there's like a cube and you have to like build something and it's just like really, really intense. So it was my second to last exam. I'd done really well on everything else.
Speaker 2:I sit in front of this woman. I'm not going to say her name, not that she's ever going to listen to this, but I'm just not going to say her name, but she's a very well-known Montessori trainer and she's not very nice, um, and so I start doing it. I totally get lost, but I'm like trying to recover. I do the beginning perfectly, and then I kind of like get lost in the equation or whatever. I'm freaking out. But I remembered I knew the answer, so I'd memorized it and so I was like, okay, well, like this is the. I don't know, I don't even remember, but it was really bad.
Speaker 1:Like chaotic, like you're sweating, your heart's pounding. You want to die. I'm an absolute disaster.
Speaker 2:And so, but composed and so, but composed, and she's asking me questions about this cube route that I just did and she's like, well, what would have been better is if you would have like worked through it, you know, even if you didn't get the right answer, and I was like, yeah, that's a really good point, but I'm like can't do anything now.
Speaker 2:But in my head I was like I'm going to fail. I just like knew it. I was like I gonna fail and you have to pass each subject area to get your teaching license. And I already had a job. I was like, oh my god, like I'm going to whatever. So I remember I had to do another exam right after that, somehow got through it, blacked out, don't know, walked out and Jamie looks at me and she's like are you okay? And I just like, completely lost it and I don't like crying in front of people Lost it, heaving, can't breathe. And they had. She was like I'm so sorry you have to go, because they had more people coming in to do it Right.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, you're just like a blubbering mess. Yeah, I was like.
Speaker 2:Okay, I go home and I'm like I 100% did not pass that. So you have to wait four days to hear my sister came to visit Thank goodness Cause I was just a disaster about it and I will never forget Jamie calling me and saying you were successful in five out of the six. So what happened? So you really didn't pass it.
Speaker 1:No, oh my God, I thought that we were going to have a happy ending it does have a happy ending, I mean not right then.
Speaker 2:I thought this Okay, so I failed it. Oh my God, I still had to go to graduation the next day, which I had helped planned. I was like, speaking, I mean literally I've never been. I think it's the most devastated I've ever been. Yeah, yeah, I mean my sister was holding me on the floor while I was crying, Like it was just like I was like I cannot believe that just happened.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And the fact was like. I knew it too.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah. So then I had to tell my employer to be like please don't fire me.
Speaker 1:Did they? No Okay.
Speaker 2:They were so understanding because you can retake it a year later, okay, but you have to like I didn't touch a math material for weeks in my classroom because I was just like I'm an idiot, I can't do it, I'm so stupid and I've always had kind of a complex like I'm an idiot, like dumb blonde kind of like I'm dumb, like I'm very happy, go lucky, so people take advantage of me. Don't think I'm very happy-go-lucky, so people take advantage of me, don't think I'm very smart, and so that has been a badge that I've worn, and so this was just like further confirmation.
Speaker 2:Come to find out that Jamie in the background was like basically, she does not have a good relationship with this woman. They're kind of at odds anyway. And was like this is absurd that you're going to fail this person. And was like bring up everything in this. She just had made up her mind about me.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, is that how Montessori kind of is? Is everything really like? Does everybody kind of know each other? And it is kind of like that it's a small community. Yeah, okay, yes, yeah, okay, 100%.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, that was awful. But I this is when I first went to therapy OK, had my first kind of like breakdown. I actually went to like a meditation therapy that was sort of my intro where he would he was so wonderful he would have me imagine myself in the exam and it took me weeks to even be able to get through that without honestly having an anxiety attack. Yeah, so went through that all year in the classroom, meeting all these new parents I was starting an elementary program was just being like look at me, I'm confident in the back of my head. I'm like I'm not qualified, they're all going to find out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:Long story, short, I did pass.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it was fine. Yeah, had a lovely exam with Alison Oz. She's amazing. I pulled divisibility and it was great and I passed and everything was fine.
Speaker 1:It was like night and day different experience.
Speaker 2:I believe it. So, yeah, that's when my anxiety, I would say that was that was a huge turning point, because I definitely had had failures in my life, absolutely Like had 100%, but I felt like I had worked so hard and I loved something so much and then it was like no, you don't get that.
Speaker 1:It was an amazing lesson to learn now that I'm looking back at it, but god, it sucked, so now, looking back on it, what are your like takeaways about looking back on it? Or like, if that were to happen today, what do you feel like you've learned since then? That maybe, like, do you like now, if you were like, look back on it, do you think that Rachel today would be able to be like, look, you didn't pass it. You're going to be able to retake it. It's not a big deal. You have worked really hard. It is okay. Like, don't beat yourself up. Or do you think that that isn't yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I think it would still hurt. Yeah, maybe not as bad, but I think it would still really get to me. Yeah, yeah, because it's. I can feel it right here, like deep in my heart, like you're not good enough. That would really be hard, and especially it'd be like going through a yoga training and then not not yeah, being like sorry, yeah, and especially it'd be like, um, going through a yoga training and then not not. Yeah, I'm like sorry, yeah, it's something like that, right like where it's like you just didn't, nope yeah, and I felt that's not really completely fair.
Speaker 2:I felt pretty unfairly treated during the exam process too. Um, it's always easy to blame the teacher or blame somebody else, but I really felt extremely unfairly intimidated by this woman and again, I was naive. Now looking back, and now I'm 35. I think I would have handled it a little bit better.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Um wouldn't have been so scared.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that woman.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly At the time I was like scared out of my mind. Yeah, but yeah. So what lessons do you feel like came out of that?
Speaker 2:looking back, Well, I mean you really, really, sometimes things do not go your way and it wasn't like I was used to things going my way, like I said, but I was like I put a lot of work into this, I've worked really hard, so that plus that equals that and um, funnily enough, when I struggled through infertility, all of this shit came back.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because I was like great, here I am again. I have done all this work and I still don't get it. And you know, I sit here as a white privileged woman. I'm not like, I'm not going to say that I I I've gotten a lot of things that I want.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I I.
Speaker 2:I'm not. I'm not trying to say that I you know I'm not used to that, but sometimes I think when you put energy into the world and you do the work, you know you expect to be rewarded in some way. And so now, like I think I'm a lot more focused on um living my life authentically and, like you know, still putting work into things that I want to put work into, but I've definitely my expectations. I just feel like I'm constantly lowering my expectations as I go through life because it's too painful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's too painful. And you know it's funny, I'm not thinking my diploma, I still haven't framed it, I haven't. But it says the year after I actually graduated that I got my diploma and it's fine. Yeah, I just can't bring myself to frame it.
Speaker 1:It's so funny, I need to frame it and like like I guess too.
Speaker 2:yeah, because you were so obsessed with it too, like you loved it so much, and you're like how the fuck does this happen to me, that I didn't pass this thing?
Speaker 1:like, of course I pulled the hardest one. Of course I got her, like, of course, whatever. But I mean looking back on it. When I'm looking at it, it does seem like it was a big fat lesson for you of like you're good enough, regardless of whatever. However this turns out, your work still mattered. You're still building relationships, you're still involved in all this like, but you have to learn how to like love yourself enough, even when you don't get the results you want.
Speaker 2:You know it's so true and knowing that like you are worthy and like I don't know. This was one of it's a big lesson for me with teaching children. I don't know what. It doesn't matter what kind of teacher you are, I don't think, because people look up to teachers and with that comes like a lot of responsibility. So I really had to be like fake it till you make it like truly like I'm just gonna, we're just gonna, march forward and it doesn't matter that I'm having a fucking imposter syndrome crisis inside.
Speaker 2:But in a way it was really healing, because kids don't give a shit if you mess up in front of them. They don't even notice, they don't even. They're probably not even paying attention. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, and I literally relearned how to do math and now I know how to do math and it's so empowering, right. Yeah, I didn't understand like how much my soul needed to be healed through that. I think math is a really, really difficult concept and it's very abstract. So for somebody like me I'm a visual, hands-on learner it's just like it's really difficult for me to learn. But when I took the time with it, it's.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh, this is kind of fun, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly where do you feel like the unworthiness this like stems from? What a question I know because I think all women have it. Oh, yeah, in some form. Or another.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it's, it's not even. I mean yes, a lot of it is unworthiness. I have this humility complex where my therapist actually was telling me this the other day she's like you just like, don't tell me shit that you're doing. She's like I just like you know cause I'll, I'll be like, oh, I'm doing this thing or I'm going to this thing. And she's like what? Like you didn't even say that and I was asking her and I wonder what you think about this too, Lauren. Like how do you come across as like look at all this cool stuff I'm doing, without coming off egotistical, or like you're bragging, or like look how great I am, instead of saying like, yeah, like I do all of these things and I'm? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1:yeah, I do know what you mean. I I mean, I play it cool 24 7 too, though, so I don't really know yeah, like I people are like, oh, you seem to be doing a lot.
Speaker 1:I'm like, yeah, not really, I'm really not. People are like, oh, you seem to be doing a lot. I'm like, yeah, not really, I'm really not doing that much. Like it's really not that deep, um, but yeah, like it is. Yeah, I know, I think it's in. You know, I create this for this person. Or like I have this podcast so that people can feel like less alone or like I have these things, like taking ownership over it, I think takes the ego out of it, because it's like no, this is why I'm doing it and this is what I do, and like that's it.
Speaker 2:I love that. You know, it's really really true.
Speaker 1:True because, yeah, you're not just doing it to like brag about it, you're doing it for a reason and I don't want to brag about it, because then I don't want expectations put on me that like I think I'm this way or like whatever too, you know totally getting. What are you doing? What am I doing? Yeah, what are you doing? That you're? What are you doing? That is like cool. No, I mean.
Speaker 2:I just did like a, I just yeah even your podcast and shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're like yeah, I record like every week and I just got sponsorship and shit, and I'm like you do.
Speaker 2:I know I'm like am I okay? No, yeah, I have a podcast about Montessori, it's fun. And then, um, I I run this like mindfulness thing at work and I do like corporate yoga with work. That was the one thing. And she was like what? Yeah, yeah, and then I go to full moon gatherings yes yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2:And then all the, all the traveling and things that Xander and I are pretty social people, so just do that and I don't know like, see, it's really difficult for me to talk about myself. Yeah, um, I just I never want to come off like I think I've gotten feedback before of people that don't know me really of thinking that I'm one way when I'm really not, and so I think I'm hyper aware that maybe I come off like I don't know some kind of like affluent or like, ooh, rachel, she's so cool, she's, I don't know, going on another trip, or oh she's. You know, I do things a different way with my son, like I have like Montessori stuff and like I mean I really don't care what people think, and especially as I get older, it becomes less and less.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Um, it's more so that I like you don't know me, yeah, and like why do people I don't know everybody judges?
Speaker 1:Yeah, everybody judges and it's like and I think it again, it goes back into the owning like your shit too, because if you're like you know, if you're like, yeah, I do monastery stuff with my son and it's like great, and that's a period 100%, and like, yeah, and that's it, you know. Like, oh yeah, like, I have all this training in this and I think this is the best way.
Speaker 2:I love that. Okay, I'm gonna start owning it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, own it. Own your life, you know, I do. I think is it takes us out of this, like any type of victim mentality, that other people are fucking up our experience or that other people have say in our shit. So true, when we own that, that's what we're about, and that's who we are, and that's what we like, and all of that kind of stuff, because then it doesn't matter like what other people think or care it doesn't matter you know yeah but back, circling back to your question of unworthiness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I think a lot of it comes from that. I think as a child and growing up like thin blonde girl got a lot of compliments. You know I was very kind of as talented and very musical. I think it comes with a lot of of attention and not knowing what to do with that attention.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Cause, weren't you? It wasn't one of your claim to fames that you were. What's this going to be? Oh my gosh. Um, so was it one of your claim to fames that you were the only freshmen to make concert choir?
Speaker 2:I'm going to, I'm throwing up, I'm going to leave, actually.
Speaker 1:All the other girls had to be in trouble. You got to be in concert choir 'm gonna I'm throwing up, I'm gonna leave, actually. And all the other girls had to be in trouble.
Speaker 2:You got to be in concert choir. It was like a big deal, right, yeah, and my one of my friends didn't talk to me for a week. She was so pissed and I had to hide it. I had to like hide how proud I was of myself right, so think about yeah.
Speaker 1:If you think about that and that was, then yeah very much so like not wanting to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't even know where to put that. Yeah, I didn't even know where to put that.
Speaker 1:But I was so proud of myself and I was like this is so fucking cool, but I but you also love relationships love, because you're very, because you're two right on the enneagram, yeah and so, yeah, like relationships mean a lot to you. So there you had this accomplishment for you that you love, that you deserved. But then, oh, people might be mad at me for having this- and people were mad at me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, people were.
Speaker 1:That's not fair.
Speaker 2:You know people were mad at me and, yeah, that was a hard time, but it was so cool. Yeah, I loved it so much. I remember being so intimidated by all the junior girls in there. They were so cool and so pretty and I was like, oh yeah, so intense. Yeah, oh, claim to fame. That's so funny dude.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, but yeah, so there was that.
Speaker 2:And like I mean, that's just like one little example. And another example I got moved up to varsity in basketball Like anytime, like I didn't know what to do with myself when the spotlight was on me because it felt like I don't know. I don't know what to do with people being pissed off about that and I was a big people pleaser. Yeah, up until yesterday.
Speaker 1:No, I'm just right. No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2:I still definitely have it, but I think, like 28, 29, it's a lot better.
Speaker 1:Now I'm like I don't really take bullshit anymore. No, for sure.
Speaker 2:But people pleasing to a fault.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I bet Like, especially in the past.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because how do you feel like you can still be really like loving and in relationship and care about people and also not be like people pleasing, like what, for you, has been the difference?
Speaker 2:a boundary setting 100, and that's been a big practice. Uh, because I, um, I didn't really know what boundaries were and I, I'm impulsive and I'm I'm intense and I love really intensely and I love being a friend, and so sometimes people are not into that and that was a hard lesson for me to learn.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's interesting. So like, how would that show up?
Speaker 2:I'm just laughing because, like my sister, we're so, we're so tight, but like she went through this phase where she was just like I was just like too much, and she's like you asked me how I am too much, like stop talking to me. I was like she would be dying if she was here. Yeah, no, I'm just, I'm a relationship experience person, like I want to share things, you know, and I think she was. She was like going to college. She was like I'm doing my own thing, dude, like you know, and I had to accept that. Um, yeah, I had to accept that, but then, yeah, I have this is like hard to say, but I'm a Taurus and so not, that's not hard to say, but I'm a Taurus and so it's hard, I think, for me to accept.
Speaker 2:No, not in a term of consent or anything like that, that's not what I'm saying in a term of like no, I can't hang out, or like it used to be really hard for me if a, if a boyfriend would be like no, I can't, I would like literally spiral and think the worst, like it would go to like the worst I just had. No, I mean, it comes down to that worthiness, self-worth thing you know, like not having the confidence to be like okay, cool, I'll do my own thing. Now I love doing my own thing and I am so much more aware of that, and also I love canceling plans now.
Speaker 2:So come full circle for sure yeah, but that was really hard for me for a long time yeah and didn't like being alone, was very, very, very into my extrovert uh stuff and I'm I'm definitely like 60, 40 pretty extroverted, but I love love being by myself. Yeah, and used to not used to hate it.
Speaker 1:Right, that's really hard. I think it's hard to just like being an early twenties like girl. I think a lot of people always want to have relationships, the lonely, the being by yourself thing is really hard.
Speaker 1:And like once you can kind of like conquer that and find the balance, I feel like it's huge, cause you don't. You don't know what you like, you don't know what you want, you don't know what you want to do. So then you sort of like use other people to never have to figure it out, cause we're just always hanging out that I don't ever have to do work on myself, or like, yeah, just be distracted all the time.
Speaker 2:Exactly, yoga was a big kind of turning point for me as well, like um, being able to turn off that noise or like turn off my phone or like turn off any kind of anything else. This is, this is what I'm doing. That's actually why I got really into Bikram in New York, because Bikram so intense it's also an hour and a half and like you can't bring your phone in there because it's like sweaty and disgusting and like you are only doing that for that amount of time and I found it really, really meditative and like a really good escape.
Speaker 1:Yeah, are you naturally the type of person who always likes to like be busy, like before yoga or just like, is that sort of I want to say used to be, but I'm still.
Speaker 2:I'm still a very busy person. Okay, Much less so.
Speaker 1:Like does that feel more comfortable? Like, do you like to be busy? Because some people do. They just like being busy and having stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know. I used to really, really enjoy having a stacked calendar, and my husband's the same way. And then during the pandemic, I remember we were both like whoa, what do we do? And we really were like this is kind of like lovely, and I remember that was a very big kind of like aha moment for us. Remember that was a very big kind of like aha moment for us.
Speaker 2:And now, like we make it a point to like always leave a day, um, before going back to work from a trip. Like we always like come back and like reset, like we have like our rituals that have become like really sacred to us, even before we had our child, like just really um, like if I go out, I'm want to be home by like nine. I really like enjoy like my like bedtime routine and things are really important to us now.
Speaker 2:Um, and I I like being busy, but it's definitely, um, not like a part of who I am anymore. I definitely was like always going to everything and wanted to be a part of everything, and now it's like I can't make it we're like I'll do one thing a weekend and that feels like fine yeah, you know, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's cool. That makes sense, though, to have like the rituals that you do to kind of like reground, to then be able to like do all the things you want to do. I do think that's important. Sometimes it sounds kind of like boring and like too structured and like lame, but like you really do need it, I feel like to have the balance.
Speaker 2:When I value sleep more than most things, and that's just a really important thing for me. I used to really struggle falling asleep. This was another big arc in my anxiety. I had severe anxiety that someone was going to break into my house for years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Um would be scared to go downstairs at my parents' house, Cause I would be afraid that somebody was like looking through the window. This followed me for a very, very long time and then in therapy I worked through it and yeah. I don't have it anymore.
Speaker 1:So what is therapy look like for you with your anxiety?
Speaker 2:Oh well, I went through a lot of different therapists to find my person.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because, oh God, therapy like it is so personal, I mean that's obvious? Yeah, it is, but like you kind of you're like anybody. I was sort of naive at first. I was like I could talk to anybody, but I found that I think most people think that too.
Speaker 1:Yes, most people think that too. Like they just like go to better help. Oh, this person seems fine, right, they do it. Once they don't feel the vibe and then they think maybe it's me.
Speaker 2:Well and exactly, or you feel uncomfortable saying or like for me as a people pleaser. I was like oh, I'll, just, it's me, I'll try again you know, and so I think I went through six therapists good for you, though, over the over the span of some years
Speaker 2:yeah um, and some I go to for a few things, and then I was like whatever. But I kept getting into this um kind of trend in therapy where it was like fix it. Therapists that were like have you done yoga, have you worked on your nutrition, do you meditate? And I was like I do all that shit and I'm an anxious literal disaster and I just got really tired of that and I was.
Speaker 2:It was sort of like I'm actually not looking for a solution that I can do on my own, I'm looking for someone to talk to yeah, how I felt and so one of my mom's really good friends and my friends, lori, she's amazing, um, she's a therapist and she said I know somebody who I think would work for you. It's like great, yeah, um, and we do virtual because she lives outside of Richmond and I've been seeing her since 2021 so do you normally have like, how does your anxiety work?
Speaker 2:like like you were like yeah, I struggled a long time with thinking somebody's gonna like break in that was one like specific weird thing that I just had this like fear, um, and we worked through it and I established a bedtime routine and I don't know, I don't have it anymore. It's really weird.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, cause I'm curious. Yeah, so like cause I don't really struggle with anxiety like that, and, um, like I'll feel anxious sometimes, of course. Yeah, so like do you think to yourself like okay, like this is the thing that I'm struggling with, and then I'm sure it like bothers the shit out of you for a long time. Then you go to therapy and then is it like, gradually and eventually, like I'm just wondering how it goes from being so like taking over your life to then switching to the you can get rid of it.
Speaker 2:Totally Because.
Speaker 1:I feel like it would seem like it never would go away.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, absolutely, and I have like generalized anxiety. So I have certain triggers for sure, which I'll get into, but the I remember I first went to therapy and I was like that was the most prevalent thing on my mind, right. It was like this is happening and I can't sleep at night and like it's driving me nuts, yeah, and so we worked through that.
Speaker 1:And then from there you know, so is it sort of like you work through it, Like eventually it's like, yeah, I don't, this isn't bothering me anymore. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Kind of yes, I and I would say that was a specifically kind of. That was the thing that I worked through. Like I talked with my mom. I was, like, did anyone ever break into our house? Like it went through my past, like all this stuff, to like investigate maybe why I was feeling this way and then like got really into just like I literally have, like I have my skincare routine and then I have sleep oil. Sometimes I take a bath, I read, I watched the office cause I love the office.
Speaker 2:I was like not going to do that. I was like I can't watch TV to fall asleep and my therapist was like who cares? Yeah, it's like you're right.
Speaker 1:No was like. Who cares?
Speaker 2:yeah, it's like you're right, no one cares it's if I watch 20 minutes of television.
Speaker 1:No one gives a shit. Um, so anyway, yeah, I mean, it's just been.
Speaker 2:That was one specific thing but, um, I would say anxiety has like kind of peaks and valleys and, again, depression. I struggle with both and they're they, they kind of um, they can feed off each other sometimes and my anxiety is just, it's so much better than it was, but I had the latest hump that I've been kind of working through and I'm much better actually. I've always had really bad health anxiety, okay, definitely hypochondriac kind of shit. Okay, yeah, and I actually had my first panic attack, um, I thought I'd had a panic attack and then I had one, yeah, um, thought I was dying. It's horrifying, um, and I had it in my car, um, cause I like something happened when I moved to Charlotte for that little spurt of time.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I was so stressed out with the move that I caused my eye to get. It's called iritis and it's like inflammation of your iris and it makes the pressure in your eye like go super through the roof yeah, so I was iritis. I know right, it's like what not arthritis, iritis, I actually. I was on my way to a yoga class at a new studio. Okay, I was driving past a hospital.
Speaker 2:I can remember it like it was yesterday I went like this to look up at my eye and it was like red, freaked out thought I was having a heart attack.
Speaker 1:Continue to go to yoga, Like no, I'm just, but yoga will fix my heart attack. Left the yoga class Cause I was like I'm not okay, you went into the class, yeah, and I left.
Speaker 2:I sent the instructor an email.
Speaker 1:Cause I was like so embarrassed, Cause you're so nice.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry and she was like it's fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's like who are you?
Speaker 2:She was so nice. She was like and I oh my God, that day was so hard, but then I had very. I had some mini panic attacks for about a year after that, like getting in the car was a huge. I'm like a. My anxiety is like trigger focused Okay, like I will be triggered by something like for a while flight like turbulence trigger like totally yeah.
Speaker 2:And then it kind of manifested into anything wrong with my body, okay, and like kind of like weird little like heart palpitation or anything. I was like what is that Right?
Speaker 1:Through the roof.
Speaker 2:And like I think of the way I experience anxiety. It's very prickly, very pointy, so it feels like pins and needles all over my body and then I'll have heat rising.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:I can't believe that I can talk to you about this right now without having anxiety. That is like huge progress actually Cause I used to be able to not even talk.
Speaker 1:Be able to talk about that Because it would start to come on. It would be a trigger. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Um, but yeah, so like there's things like that that are really like really extreme anxiety, but then there's just sort of like, like you said, general worries and things like that. Um, but one thing that I've worked on it kind of makes me emotional to think about. I used to just like worry all the time about it's such a fucking waste of time. It's such a waste of time to worry. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:To worry about. Maybe you have a devoted partner to sit there. Worry that they're going to cheat on you. You have a devoted partner to sit there? Worry that they're going to cheat on you. Yeah, you know, worry, I mean, this is a little bit more in the realm of make sense, like I had a ton of intrusive thoughts with my new child yeah, my new baby. I mean that that definitely happens, but like spiraling, that I'm going to get fired from my job. Like I can't even tell you the hours, the amount of hours I've wasted, wasted yeah, I don't do that that much anymore. Oh, yeah, that's awesome. Therapy's great. And I'm also on medication too. I was really again, I'm on a very low dose of Lexapro. Um, I was really against medication forever, yeah, and then once I had my panic attack and also I've been through three different kinds of medications too.
Speaker 2:Right, it's not just like you find one and then it's better, like it is. Another thing is it's frustrating, but like if you stay the course, like you can find what works for you. Yeah, and then once I found Lexapro and I'm on a, I'm on like a really low dose, but I don't know it helps, yeah yeah, and I don't have shame around it anymore. I really did. I really felt weird about it because I was like I'm healthy, I'm mindful, like I don't need a pill, but it's what, like right, it's just another form of help and it helps.
Speaker 2:Your fucking brain chemistry, like my brain, is programmed to be anxious.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's just like if your body was programmed to have like arthritis or inflammation or whatever, like you would treat it Exactly. Yeah, yeah it's. It's been a big learning lesson to like get over that shame over medication. Yeah, exactly so silly. Yeah, um, yeah, anxiety. Tell you what?
Speaker 1:How do you feel like people around you like friends, family, acquaintances have been towards you about anxiety, like? How do you feel like when you share different things? Have you felt like people are like yeah, supportive, annoyed, cool, mean?
Speaker 2:I think it's never mean, but I think definitely like I would talk the most about my partner, xander, like he's been the one that's probably been the most affected by it. Um, most supportive person in the entire world and is so good with dealing dealing is negative with supporting me through all my anxiety stuff throughout the years because one he is like the calmest person, yeah, which is so helpful yeah um, but also like he's really good at sort of diffusing my anxiety without coming off as like demeaning or like that you're being.
Speaker 2:He's not like you're being ridiculous. He's like, well, that wouldn't happen. You know, he's very much like like well you know, yeah, in that kind of way also, he's just like a really fun loving presence. So that's like just really positive to have that positive relationship. I would say my parents, um, probably hold a little, I don't know, like they've said before, like, oh, like we just didn't know when you, because I was definitely an anxious child, but right yeah different. It was the 90s like yeah you. It was a different time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I think they hold a little shame, even though I've told them like everybody was just doing their best. Yeah, so yeah, and my sister, yeah, I mean everyone's just lovely and willing to talk it out.
Speaker 2:And I feel comfortable talking about it, but also I feel like I feel like it doesn't rule my life anymore. I feel like I feel like it doesn't rule my life anymore. Hell yeah, I definitely have anxious days, though, like I um two days before my period actually it was the full moon gathering I was like this is the worst and I definitely had like the car was triggering me, like I definitely had some anxiety, but um, yeah, what brings you back in those moments when you're like feeling like triggered?
Speaker 1:what do do you do?
Speaker 2:so I always turn off whatever music or podcast I'm listening to, because that will actually make it worse, because it's like a distraction, trying to not pay attention to it. So I'll do that and I always like do something with my hands to make me come back down. Fresh air always helps. Yeah, always always. And if I need to pull over if I'm in the car, that's fine. If I need to pull over if I'm in the car, that's fine. If I need to just take a second, that's fine. Just something to kind of bring me back to the moment. But sometimes it just needs to, sometimes it just needs to go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, and that's the thing about anxiety. That took me a really long time to learn is that it's temporary.
Speaker 1:It will go away, right.
Speaker 2:Whatever you're feeling like, it will come back down it's temporary it will go away. Right, whatever you're feeling like, it will come back down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but it feels so, feels so scary in the moment. Yeah, exactly so I want to talk a little bit about um, like your, do you talk about your IVF journey and all that mumbo jumbo and everything that goes along with that yeah, of course it's easy now that I have a baby.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly talk about.
Speaker 1:It all right, so you decide.
Speaker 2:So you've always loved kids, yes, wanted to be a wanted to be a parent yeah forever, forever, yeah, but like all also like weirdly, just like wasn't convinced it was gonna happen for me not I don't know. I've always had a weird, so I'm not really religious, but there's this biblical story of Rachel and Leah and Joseph or whatever.
Speaker 1:It's in the red tent. Have you read the red tent? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Love the red tent.
Speaker 1:Such a good book.
Speaker 2:And Rachel can't get pregnant, right. So Leah bears her children whatever, and so you took the names that your names were Rachel.
Speaker 1:So I was like cool, it's like my middle name is Ruth, so I'm always like, am I like Ruth? It's so dumb anyway in the Bible, anyway, ruth from the book of Ruth oh no I was thinking from what's that show on Netflix?
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:Yeah. We're just yeah, relating to the Bible, but anyway, literally.
Speaker 2:Yeah to the bible, but anyway, literally, yeah, I, yeah. So anyway, I just like had this feeling. But, um, I also had a partner who was like definitely, was like yes, but also tentative, yes, let's have kids, like very I mean he, I was like I told him we decided we were gonna have kids before we got married, but and then, of course you know, we decide to have kids and then we can't get pregnant.
Speaker 2:I'm like this is a nightmare and you know society and medical professionals tell you to try for a whole year, which is valid, because sometimes it does take a little bit longer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, however, it is really difficult to wait and to like kind of every cycle, yeah, and every cycle feels like a death. It's grieving.
Speaker 2:It's to like kind of every cycle, yeah, and every cycle feels like a death, it's grieving, it's so like here we go Frustrating and like sorry, like trying to get pregnant, like it's not like romantic, it's like oh, you have a cold, I don't care. Like I'm ovulating, we have to go have sex Like where it's like like me. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah right.
Speaker 2:It's definitely like it becomes very medical very quickly.
Speaker 1:Because when did you decide, okay, we're going to have kids. Like, okay, we're going to start trying. Quote unquote.
Speaker 2:So I think I was 32.
Speaker 1:Okay, I think I was 32. Love it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, I am, because we got married at 30, pandemic Xander was in grad school, yeah, so.
Speaker 1:I got my IUD out and then they tell you to wait a little bit and then I started trying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was 32. So we tried, tried, tried, tried, tried, tried. I just like had a feeling because, like I was tracking everything, like and your cycles are regular, always Okay, super regular 28 days, yeah, like two.
Speaker 1:So that checked out. So you're like, cool, I'm having normal cycles Totally and so and I felt pretty normal.
Speaker 2:I was like a normal weight. I was eating, you know it wasn't. Yeah, so things were just like kind of confusing. So I went to my OB and I lied and I said we've been trying for a year. We had only been trying for, I think, like like 10 months. Like we were close, um, but I was like I've got to get to the bottom of this.
Speaker 2:And so she's like okay, let's do some testing. So you do some testing on a specific day of your cycle and it came back um that I had low AMH, which AMH is a hormone. It can indicate low ovarian reserve and sometimes it can indicate that. Sometimes it can indicate other things. I did learn that I did have low ovarian reserve through my egg retrieval process. But the thing I just really appreciated about my doctor she was so proactive. She's like okay, and she was like this is what's going on. It's very hard for you to conceive naturally like less than 1%. I think you should go to this fertility clinic. And I was like great. And so I told Xander and he's like okay. So we went to Carolina's Fertility Institute. I owe them, I love them so much, they're the best. And yeah, we went and Xander got tested and we got all of our like kind of facts and figures straight. Xander was mostly fine and I was fine, except for the egg thing. Everything else was absolutely fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and did that make you feel better or worse?
Speaker 2:Actually, it made me feel a lot better because I am very solution oriented, so it was like this is what you need to do, it wasn't? You know, some of my friends have gone through unexplained infertility and that's really really difficult because you don't know yeah. And it's just like not, it sucks you know yeah definitely.
Speaker 2:So this was like really reassuring. It was like to me it felt like validating, like yeah, I have been having this issue and like it's not been working for this reason. So I remember we went out to dinner to discuss if we wanted to do it.
Speaker 1:Because in your brain you're like we're doing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But I mean, it's a lot of money.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and there's like payment plans, there's all these different things, but we had horrible insurance, so like we were gonna have to pay for it and we've been saving for our house, so we had some funds, but like it's just like not what you think you're gonna be doing, but we decided to do it and I'm so glad we did, obviously. Uh, egg retrieval if anyone, have you frozen your eggs? Okay, um yeah, it's like really intense, really. Um yeah, it's intense, yet like exhilarating because like you get, you're like doing these injections in your tummy and getting to going to the doctor each day and you literally get to see your follicles growing and you get to. It's really like it's fascinating.
Speaker 1:And I.
Speaker 2:I like from my medical anxiety. I also like love medicine and stuff and like I think it's so fascinating, so it was cool and cool to see them grow. My left ovary is just like she's. She doesn't do a lot. Yeah, he had one follicle and this side had like eight or something. Okay, um, yeah it's. It's intense though because, uh, it feels like all or nothing. Yeah, because, like you're doing all this work, you're doing these injections every night. It's like 14 days, xander, like wore a nurse hat every night. It was so funny.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he's scared of needles, which is fine, because I wanted to do the injections myself. It's like it felt better for me to do it Right. And then at the end, yeah, you do a trigger shot, which is just I think it's progesterone, I'm not really sure, but it's like one last thing. And then, I think it's 12 hours after that, you have your egg retrieval. Oh cool, yeah, and it's wild because I was so nervous for my egg retrieval and you show up and they just like give you a Valium. And they're like you did it. No way, I'd never had a Valium before.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It was great they recommend I was like I've been so stressed out for months yeah, so nice.
Speaker 2:And then, yeah, you're put under, and then you, you find out how much you, how many eggs you got, right, then I think I got like 12, but the number decreases drastically because it how many survive? And then, if they, because, then, um, they're made into an embryo with the sperm, so it's like how they're like multiplying and things like that. It's called getting to blastocyst is what it's called. Yeah, so then we had five, no, four, make it to blastocyst. Then we sent them off for genetic testing because we didn't want to take any more chances, because it had been painful enough. And then three came back, genetically normal, cool, yeah, and Wilder is one of those which is like so wild, wow.
Speaker 1:So did you like being pregnant?
Speaker 2:no, you didn't like it.
Speaker 1:No, no were you scared because I've heard it from a lot of other people when they go through processes where they're, you know, afraid, like the. Getting pregnant is hard and things like that were you scared the whole time that you were gonna lose your baby? I'm, I was scared for a while, cause had you ever? You had never actually gotten pregnant, though.
Speaker 2:Not that I know of. Okay, gotcha yeah, maybe. Yeah, not that I know of no, and I I never really like missed a period. Yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:It wasn't like that. But so then, when you finally did get pregnant, were you you were scared? Were you scared the baby was going to be gone or not, really.
Speaker 2:Yes, I definitely had that fear for a while First trimester definitely and I really didn't trust it. I'm going to be honest until, like, I was in labor.
Speaker 1:Really, I definitely like it was really hard. Yeah.
Speaker 2:It was really really hard to trust it and like all things considered, my pregnancy was pretty healthy, except for you know how sick I was and I didn't feel great, but like the baby was fine and like he was growing totally fine and that was reassuring. And when you're I'm older and going through IVF, you're monitored more heavily and so that was kind of reassuring too. Definitely, once the baby started moving is when I felt a lot more secure, and so that was kind of reassuring too. Definitely, once the baby started moving is when I felt a lot more secure.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And Wilder was just in there doing like somersaults.
Speaker 1:And so I definitely like.
Speaker 2:That helped a lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Um, but it's so scary and it feels so precious.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, it feels so precious and especially, especially, in the beginning. Um, I just couldn't believe it. And it's weird because you don't have a belly. It's so weird to be pregnant.
Speaker 1:It's such a weird thing.
Speaker 2:I was just talking about this with a friend the other night. Sometimes I look at myself pregnant and I'm like, oh yeah, that happened. It's so bizarre.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that it was even going on, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I mean like some parts of pregnancy that I loved, like I did love, like carrying. I mean that was so special and like feeling him, it's so cool. Yeah, that's just like yeah, I'm never going to get that back. Um, I loved, even though my labor was three days and crazy, it was so fun and crazy.
Speaker 1:It was so fun. Yeah, weird because it was just like weird energy, because you're like in a portal. Yeah, it was like. Yeah, it was like so fun at the same time. And then we had a baby.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, pregnancy is it. Just I'm not one of those women that loved it, you know, but I loved that I got to be pregnant. I loved that and I loved certain aspects of it. Second trimester was great, but I was sick a lot and then I was. My third trimester was over the summer, which was really hard, and then I had preeclampsia, which is, um, when your blood pressure spikes and I'm super puffy and yeah, my feet were like huge. I mean, it was really just uncomfortable, honestly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so that was hard, yeah yeah, so then you had wilder and then, and also how, during, like pregnancy, and then you had wilder, and so then how was becoming a new mom?
Speaker 2:and then like your anxiety with all that, whether it be pregnancy, and then also like with once you had him and everything how did that go peaks and valleys, dude, valleys, dude, yeah, um, yeah, it's really intense, cause, like the first month you're like for me personally, like I was like um, energized because I wasn't pregnant anymore.
Speaker 1:So I feel a lot better.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, but you're caring for a newborn, so it was just, like you know, going through the motions, super, super intense. Um, I would say the first three months are really intense, but like so many things are changing that it's like really a blur. I had a really big dip at four months. Four months yeah. I was going back to work. Okay, things were, like you know, taking off and that.
Speaker 1:It's kind of like summer vacation's over, yeah, and it's like whoa, I got to go back into my routines.
Speaker 2:And and that's kind of like summer vacations over, yeah, and it's like whoa, I gotta go back into my routines and like.
Speaker 1:What are they you?
Speaker 2:don't feel like. I didn't feel like myself at all. I was like I don't know what I'm doing, like, yeah, there's so much, so much calmer in that department, but definitely that was a big transition. Um, and you're not sleeping right. No, it's really really tough. But also, like I was just like it's so. It's just, it's so up and down because I've never been happier in my life and I still feel that to this day never been happier, never been more obsessed with a thing in my entire life, but it is the hardest thing I've ever done yeah, exactly both at the same time, so exhausting I mean he got up this morning at 6 0 5 and I was like why it it's.
Speaker 1:Memorial Day Sleep in. What do you have to do? Bud?
Speaker 2:Just like go back to sleep. Yeah, stop.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:But he's so cute. I went in there and he's like he started to say uh-, oh, and it's hilarious, it's so cute. He's like, uh-oh, it's so dumb, I love it.
Speaker 1:I know, like how do you feel like you're different now that you're a mom and like going through that like portal motherhood, like do you feel like there's like it's like you notice these things are different within you now that you're there? What type of thing maybe have you had to like surrender to or, like you know?
Speaker 2:yeah, I mean I definitely have had to surrender to my body changing. That's been like the biggest and hardest, one of the hardest parts yeah, um, did you kind of think that it would be? Yeah, didn't think it would be this hard. Yeah, it's really hard. Um yeah hard when your closet doesn't fit you, or half of it does, I don't know.
Speaker 2:It's just like hard yeah it's much better now, but, um, that was really hard. Yeah, because you're trying so badly to like feel like yourself, because you are this new version of yourself, but you kind of want to like put on your pants. I don't know like it's like you want to be able to put on an outfit and like go see you yeah, and so like not having that is really hard.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I would definitely say that has been like the hardest part, but like I feel so complete. Yeah, I can't. It makes me I have such a reverence for like mothers in general. I just look at others and I'm like, oh my God, we're all amazing. Like everyone like what Just mothers and parents? It's such a sacrifice and um, it's just just. I look at my own mom with like such awe yeah, I always have.
Speaker 2:I love my mom, but like I really am, like, oh my gosh, like you are. I can't believe you did this. And then you let me go to college like yeah, you let me go to New York. What were you doing? Yeah but yeah, so that's been amazing and also it's just like it's been really good for my marriage. Oh, yeah, that's cool. Yeah, it's been really like we just I feel like we're having a lot of fun awesome it's really fucking hard, but yeah we're also like having fun, like before I was coming here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, wilder's learning how to drink out of straws, but he doesn't get it yet, and so now he goes like this with the straw and then he spits it all out of his mouth. So it's like disgusting. What he thinks is the funniest thing, and we were just like this is so dumb that he thinks this is funny.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so cute, that is so cool. I would imagine that becoming a parent because I obviously don't have any kids yet, but I would imagine it's like you really have if you want to have fun, if you want to enjoy it, if you want to let a lot of shit go. Number one, I feel like, and number two, probably being really fucking present and enjoying the simplest shit, simplest shit, you know?
Speaker 2:oh, I know, I mean like the. I mean it's like to enjoy it.
Speaker 1:you would have to, because I think about people who are just sort of like it's always hard, it's like never finding like the good in it or never being able, like maybe their lives are too busy beforehand and maybe like they have too much going on to really be able to like be with their kids and be in it, you know, and have fun.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because like it is hard, like I think a lot of people have said, oh well, you're never going to sleep again. I'm like what? Like I one, that's not true.
Speaker 2:And two it's like, like that's just sort of I'm not having a child to like get more rest. True, it's sort of just like a throwaway silly comment or like, oh well, just wait, it gets harder and I'm like I think it gets more fun and more challenging and like I'm excited to for the toddler stage, like it's going to be a nightmare in some ways, but it's also like their personality is blossoming. I think it's really really easy to go around with like a glass half empty. Yeah, uh mode. I think it's really really easy to go around with like a glass half empty.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it is too.
Speaker 2:Because it's really difficult. It's really difficult but you adapt. Yeah, and children are just I don't know. I think they're like. I know it's so cheesy to say like they're the future, but I mean they are like. They are such like shiny, bright. Nothing has tainted them yet. Like they're just, like you know, gullible to the world, but in like the best way. And I just every time I look at him, I'm like I cannot believe you're my kid and I cannot believe that, like I get to watch you grow up it is just the coolest fucking thing, yeah um, and I even I've had that like when I got Gobi like my put my dog.
Speaker 2:It's just like incredible to like nurture these things and like watch them grow.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And like for him, like he's just starting to like show his personality. I'm like you are so cool. Yeah, such a weirdo, but it's just so. It's really cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's been amazing, worth all the struggles.
Speaker 1:Yeah, how do you balance being like, oh it fun, it's so cool. And then like hard days where you're like, oh my god, like I, what are we doing? I hate this. I think if you have those, I definitely have those.
Speaker 2:Um, I have a really supportive partner, okay, yeah, who's really. It's twofold. He's really in tune with me and we know each other very well. So he's like do you need a break? Yeah, and I'm like that with him too. Like, do you need a break? Yeah, and I'm like that with him too. Like, do you need a break?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So how has he sort of adapted? He's such an amazing dad. He's like obsessed with Wilder. I knew he would.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's why I'm like I know, yeah.
Speaker 2:He's such a good dad. But yeah, I think not going to be. I don't even know what a super mom is. I think all moms are super moms. I don't care if you have help, if you don't have help, if you're a, stay at home mom, if you work full time, I don't care.
Speaker 1:I think everyone's doing their best honestly, yeah, so I think in that regard, I've just been really comfortable asking for help.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not trying to like do it all myself. I think a lot of women who I've seen and talked to like we want to do it all ourselves, like we want to be, like I'm so capable and I'm such a good mom and I got it all right, like it's, I've got it all mentality and I just I think that's you trust that other people have it too, and and I just I think that's you trust that other people have it too and like that you don't have to have it all.
Speaker 1:But that took time.
Speaker 2:Like I had to, like I had to, I can change a diaper three times faster than Xander.
Speaker 1:Yeah. But like it doesn't, matter, yeah, I don't care, yeah and like, but it took a while Like and he.
Speaker 2:We would have conversations like when Wilder was a newborn. If Xander was like doing something and my parents were around, I'm like, why don't you go help Xander? And Xander had to come to me and he was like that's so offensive when you say that he's like, I love you and I know you're just trying to make sure that he's like, but I please let me figure it out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was like big of him to say, wow, it really was, you know, because it's embarrassing to be in that position and like a lot of people would just hold resentment and get mad and like. The communication there, though, is like we've, and this is not listen. We have worked on our communication hell yeah, just right, we work on it every day, it's so hard um, but it is vital or we'll just fall apart yeah, we'll fall apart so I think that um asking for help has been a really big lesson for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I need help.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly as we all do.
Speaker 2:Like I need help Literally.
Speaker 1:Thank you, yeah, and the last thing that I really wanted to touch on, which is like a huge thing and I think comes up in motherhood and just in life in general. So much is like you were like this is best thing ever and this is also the worst thing ever. So like the whole idea of like duality and all of that is kind of crazy, isn't it?
Speaker 2:like we talked about it a lot. So, yeah, it feels impossible. How can you feel those things at once, right like how can you feel? Those, both of those things like how can I be so down about my body image and also have never been happier or felt more beautiful when I'm holding my kid?
Speaker 1:How is that? I don't get it Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I think, allowing myself to admit that it's hard, yeah, when Wilder was first, was first born, I remember Xander would say, oh, this is so hard, or whatever. And I was like, oh, oh, don't say that, because I felt like it felt like um betrayal to my pregnancy, to the work to Wilder. It sounds so silly, but I was like, and he was like, babe, it's okay to say that that sucked yeah, and I was like you're right well it also.
Speaker 1:It reminds me, too, of, like, when you didn't pass your test and you had to, like, go in there and act like I'm I am the best, I am having a great time, like I am qualified for this and so like. Do you think back then that you had like the idea of duality? Like that you were able to say I didn't pass, that felt like shit and I'm really good at this and I'm able to show up.
Speaker 2:I think it was more so than compartmentalizing. I don't think it was necessarily doing both things at once, because I think then I was so embarrassed by the other part that I couldn't talk about both. I did have moments, though, when I would have children struggling with math in my class and I would talk to them about it.
Speaker 1:And that was really healing yeah, it is and because math.
Speaker 2:Why is it so? Sensitive, yeah, sensitive yeah especially for us artistic people yeah, I know, because I'm horrible at math.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I literally didn't get an advanced diploma. I dropped out of chemistry because I was just like this doesn't make any sense to me.
Speaker 2:No, I don't know what you're. No, it's hard and especially like just the abstract nature of it. I know Cause.
Speaker 1:I can write anything I can like. You know, I understand history to a T a story Obviously like yeah, but math and shit.
Speaker 2:Forget it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it's the worst. It really is, like it really really is. But yeah, I just just, I feel like the duality thing once we sort of because it's such a concept that exists all the time that we have to hold both all the time, and I feel like with your journey and with motherhood, and like having that. Like you know, I hate my body right now, I feel so gross, but I also feel so beautiful at the same time, like it really is crazy. And then when we start applying duality to like everything in our life, exactly.
Speaker 2:I mean you can feel two things at once and they can be completely opposite. Also, you can feel maybe ambivalent about something you love a lot, maybe you're having a rough day in your relationship and your job with your kids and like you're not feeling all the love.
Speaker 1:It's okay yeah, and just like you obviously love them more than life itself.
Speaker 2:But you're human and like, maybe some days it's just hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly okay yeah, but, and it's gonna pass. It's gonna pass just like the anxiety bit, like knowing like the attack's gonna pass. The anxiety's gonna pass, like but just feel like through it and then letting it pass and not being afraid of it or ashamed of it.
Speaker 2:Just because you're having a moment with your kid wilder's really into screaming at the top of his lungs right now. It's because he's, like, obsessed with how echoes sound.
Speaker 1:It's a lot and like don't love it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm sure but it has nothing to do with my love for my child. I'm just like buddy, what are you doing? Like stop. And there are those moments where you have those hard days with your children, hard moments, hard hours, hard minutes, and I think I don't know. I don't think you need to feel bad about any of those thoughts you're feeling, because you're just making yourself feel worse.
Speaker 2:Yeah, just because you're like, wow, I'm having a hard day today, or like, wow, my kid is not being great, doesn't mean you're a bad parent, doesn't mean that you don't love your child. It means that you're human.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they're human and like voice those things, because kids are, so they pick up on so much. Yeah, so actually my friend was just talking about her toddler had done something and she had asked, she had kind of raised her voice and she didn't want to, and so then she got upset about doing that. And then her toddler came over and she's like mommy, don't be upset, I love you. Like had no memory of anything and she was like this is what motherhood is.
Speaker 2:Like it's literally like second by second, like things change so quickly. So I don't know, give yourself grace. But yeah, duality, man, I mean it really like feeds into everything.
Speaker 1:It really does. Yeah, what do you feel like you have gotten from like, what do you feel like from all your like Montessori knowledge and stuff that you take from that into parenting, like that you feel like might be helpful maybe for other people with the small kids or like for yourself. Like that you try to remember that you think is important that people might not think about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, montessori is cool Cause it's really about like the environment and like what you have around you.
Speaker 2:Like a lot of people kind of have a misconception of Montessori that you have to like buy all these specific things and like there's a market for that. Of course, if you Google Montessessori, it's going to pop up with all the things you need to buy to have a Montessori environment. It's not true. It's really putting things at a child's level. So like, if you have pictures in your child's nursery, maybe put them down to where they can see them and so they don't have to crane their neck to look up. That's one easy thing. Kind of make it because it's their space, you know, making things accessible so that that they can grab him in the process right now of kind of childproofing our kitchen, but doing it in a way that like, of course, locking cabinets that like have like poisonous chemicals or something in them. Things that he can reach are okay, things that he can have, so like maybe his bowls at his level, things at his level that he can go get.
Speaker 2:It's all about fostering independence. Yeah, but it's all about fostering independence, yeah, yeah. So freedom of movement, you know, let your child go run outside in the grass, crawl in the grass, crawl around in your house, like I don't know. It's all about just sort of, like they call Montessori an aid to life, meaning, you know, helping children like feel like they are owning things. Like feel like they are owning, yeah, things, like they have ownership over that they can go get their own fork for dinner yeah, small things like that, but how does that help you as a mom?
Speaker 2:well, it sets you up for success later in life. It's very much like sowing the seeds early on and then, just like they are way more capable, like down the road. So you're struggling, right, you're trying to teach your child how to tie their shoes, and it's taken forever, or like how to put on their own coat. There's like things like that you put in the work early, so then you're going to reap the benefits later on.
Speaker 1:Oh cool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's hard. I mean, and definitely like I don't. I'm a Montessorian through and through and I absolutely adore it, but like I don't do everything. I mean a lot of Montessorians do a floor bed with their babies. I didn't do that because I was like I don't feel comfortable doing that. And it's fine, like I think you can pick and choose what works for you as a parent, absolutely, but yeah, independence.
Speaker 1:And do you feel like it helps you not feel like you have to like micromanage him as much, or sort of helps you sort of like control? I don't even want to say anxiety around different things, but do you feel like it is sort of nice to be like okay, like I understand that if I let him do this then I'll be able to? Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:totally makes sense. Yeah, I mean I I love the science behind it and also like I've seen where it can go. So yeah, it definitely helps with that and I feel like he's so he gets, he's so proud of himself when he does something himself, so like seeing that, it's like the best like when he sorry, it's just like he's so funny. When he first figured out how to sit up, he was like audit, like so excited.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you just see like his sense of accomplishment like yeah, I think you know the way, a lot of that I grew up like a lot of things. You'll just see parents kind of helping a child like a little bit too much right because you want to help them we're caregivers, you want to help.
Speaker 2:But like xander and I say, like, savor the struggle, like don't stop the struggle, let them, you know, have a few minutes to learn and maybe try to figure it out, as long as they're not hurting themselves. Right then, once they do it, they have ownership over that skill, like I did it.
Speaker 1:So cool, yeah that is cool not like oh, mommy did this for me yeah some things are gonna be sure, sure um
Speaker 1:but yeah but yeah, and I mean that's that is really cool, because how many of us as adults are trying to do things, are, yeah, like, not trying to, yeah, I don't know where I was going with that how many of us are trying to have ownership over our own selves and our own lives and like be like proud of ourselves and know that we can do things and have that sort of like self-worth to know, like and trust. I think that's really what it is confidence and trust absolutely self-worth to know, like and trust. So it's really what it is Confidence and trust.
Speaker 2:Self-trust and self-confidence? Absolutely yeah, and it takes a while. It's definitely a lifelong process. But yeah, look into Montessori, it's cool.
Speaker 1:It is really cool.
Speaker 2:Really, yeah, yeah, there's these really accessible books by Simone Davies and Junifa Uzuduke. I can send you a link. They're really cool. It's like the Montessori baby, montessori toddler, montessori child, and they're just like one. They're aesthetically gorgeous.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And they're just really accessible things. Yeah, and you can take it, you can leave it, whatever. So so cool yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, rachel, thank you for sharing so vulnerably and honestly. I feel like, because you're so honest with all of your struggle and because you not with all of your struggle, but kind of, yeah, your struggle, you're good, you're bad, I feel like it allows other people to feel seen and also allows, because you are such a relational person, I think it allows other people to support you and be in your space and feel like they like their shit's not too crazy either, you know, and then we're all able to like relate to each other and love each other and, um, that, yeah, it just really gives a big like vulnerability and relatable aspect to it all. That I think that we all appreciate. Um, thank you. So, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was. It was all was so fun, but also some of those things are hard to talk about, but I felt really safe.
Speaker 1:So good, awesome, and so where can we? If people want to stalk you, where can they find you?
Speaker 2:well, my instagram is reach larson seven, which is like from high school. I have my. I have a podcast about Montessori called All Things Montessori. It's also on Instagram. I'll provide you with the link. Cool, you can find me on there doing Montessori things. I'm starting a little offshoot about parenting, which is fun. And then you can find me shine yoga, walking outside and cooking in my kitchen.
Speaker 1:Heck, yeah, we love it. Thanks Rachel, thanks Rachel, thank you.